Friday, July 20, 2012

Today....

Today, we are saying goodbye to our sweet Zazu. She isn't getting better and there is no cure. It hurts my heart knowing that I am watching her do all kinds of things for the last time.

Zazu has been sick for a while...it happened out of nowhere really. Her condition, FIP, feline infections peritonitous, is to a cat what AIDS is to a human. Her belly swells with some gross fluid and we would have to take her to the vet to get it drained until the next time her stomach would swell. Each time we take her to the vet, they stick a needle in her to drain the fluid from her belly. For the most part, she would go along with it and seem unphased, although I know deep down she was hurting. Who wouldn't been after having a needle stuck in your side? The last time I took her for this procedure she was not nice to the vet techs. She peed in her travel case and then proceeded to vomit twice and was very stubborn and would not let them get as much fluid out of her belly as normal. This was the first that this had happened, and I can only imagine that if we decided to continue with this treatment, it would not go well. She knows where she is going when we would put her in the travel case... She knows the vet's office... She KNOWS that a needle is in her future. I can't do that to her anymore.


Since the last visit to the vet she is actually looking better. And that makes this decision SOOO hard. She doesn't look sick. She is thin but she is not behaving like a cat who is sick would behave. Firefighter has been against putting her to sleep as long as she wasn't suffering and according to the vet she isn't suffering, but if she knows what is going to happen when we take her to the vet, she is eventually going to have so much fluid in her belly that it would slowly kill her I fear. She had a little bit of a belly when I brought her home about 2 weeks ago and in a sick twist of fate, her belly has slowly gone down. Unfortunately, she is leaking the fluid out of her um, whoo whoo, and it's getting all over my furniture. I have my couch COVERED in stuff so that she won't lay on it. I have towels and blankets laid out where she can lay. Whatever it is that is oozing is so nasty. Firefighter fears that the fact that she is leaking could lead to infection... and well, that would be a horrible fate for her.

I am so mad at myself. I feel like I let her down, like I have failed her. I can't believe it has come to this. She deserves better. I did my best, and I feel like it wasn't good enough. I am sure this will pass and one day we will get another cat, but for tonight I just want to burn as many memories as I can into my mind. 


                       




I wish I could snuggle with her and let her lay on me, but I can't.... :(

There are so many things I am going to miss.... kitty kisses, seeing her greet me at the door when I would get home, the purring, our "conversations", the way she would try to catch her tail, climbing into boxes, and when she would attack Buster. I hope these memories don't stray too far, I need them to keep me warm and calm my nerves. I need them to remind me that we gave her a good home, we loved her and she loved us in return. I know that this decision is in her best interest. She will never be healthy, and the treatment is torture...but I don't want to say goodbye.

My heart is heavy... and I have an ache that goes straight through. There will never be another Zazu... she was one of a kind! 

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry! That is such a hard hard choice to make. Much love to Zazu!

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