Thursday, March 29, 2012

This is only a test

I hate taking tests. 

I understand their purpose, but I am not good at them. I could know the material, have studied, and then sit down and have the test placed in front of me, and my mind goes completely BLANK. It's such a terrifying feeling. 

I am taking a Religion in America class currently in order to complete my AA. (It's fulfilling a Gordon Rule requirement.) The book is not like any other textbook I have ever had. There is NO GLOSSARY!!! Which is something I just don't understand. Anyway, the teacher provides us with questions, about 40-70 depending on the chapter. The material is heavy and overwhelmingly burdensome. The teacher then attempts to squeeze 2-3 chapters into one test. Granted, this may be a normal practice in universities, I do not know, and I have been out of school for a while, but it's just chaotic.

I do not feel like I am learning anything. I feel like all I do is answer questions. We don't really go into depth about the topics, but merely graze the surface. And what is the deal with attempting to do all chapters of the book as opposed to choosing the most influential denominations and focusing on them? She is trying to squeeze it all in and it just doesn't seem logical.

The final is going to be on the last 5 chapters of the book.... 5 CHAPTERS!!! This past Monday when we took a 3 chapter test, I felt as though all of the information had escaped my brain. I knew only the stuff that we had just gone over the week before. It's do depressing. I think I am going to have to ask the teacher about extra credit. I left about 10 questions blank on the test. I know that you aren't supposed to leave questions blank, but I literally, could NOT think of anything to put down as an answer.

I can not wait for this to be over...

OH and I have a paper due on April 16th. I haven't even started, but I know that I work better under pressure, so I think it will be ok!

Peace out... I have homework to do!

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

50 Questions to Free Your Mind

I am always looking for things to help me get out of my perpetual writer's block that I seem to have. I was reading Kallay at Kallaydoscope and her responses to these questions and decided to just play along. Who knows where this will lead and what could come if it. 

Alrighty people, brace yourself. There are 50 questions, as indicated in the title of this post, but I think I am going to follow Kallay's lead and do this in portions. 

Tonight we will start with 1 - 10. 

Diving in.... 

1. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
A.) I feel like I am about 18 years old mentally. Physically I feel older. if I could choose any age to be, I would choose 25. You can drive, drink, smoke, buy lottery tickets, vote and rent a car.

2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
A.) Wow... this is hard for me. I am so afraid of failing and trying new things. However, I would have to say, if I didn't try things, I would regret them. Perfect example being my stint as a softball player. I was nervous about doing it, since I have never played on a team before, but once I got out there, it was fun and I am glad I did it. (Please don't tell Firefighter. I will deny it whole heartedly.)

3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don't like, and like so many things we don't do? 
A.) Great question. Of late I have become a firm believer that we should do what we want and what makes us happy. I often wonder how people are able to work at jobs they don't like, or even enjoy, but sadly based on the way the world is going, people need jobs and they may not have the luxury of being too particular. 

4. When all is said and done, will you have said more than you've done?
A.) Sadly I think I am more of a sayer than a doer. I have a lot of fears that I need to overcome before I can become a "doer". 

5. What is the one thing you'd most like to change about the world?
A.) I don't think people value the things that really matter. We need to pay more attention to family and to nurturing relationships and not focused on the material things in the world. We need to shift our focus to concentrate on how to take care of the planet and each other. 

6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
A.) Another great question and so relevant to me right now. At my previous job, working for an attorney, I was NOT happy. It was a job that sucked the life out of me. I considered being a teacher and thought that would make me happy, but now, I am not sure. I am looking forward to being a mother. If I could combine that with my love for writing and photography, I think I would be set.

7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? 
A.) I think in my previous employment, I was settling for what I was doing. I had no choice, I needed money. Now I have been presented with an opportunity to do something that I support and believe in. What that is, sadly I do not have a completely firm grasp on at the moment, but I know it will be helping people in some way. 

8. If the average life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
A.) I would probably be more outspoken and eat whatever I wanted. 

9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
A.) In every decision that I have made, it has set me on the course that my life has taken. I have made decisions to go to school at this time, I made decisions to be with Firefighter, I have chosen to make certain things priorities and other things not priorities. I believe that some things are "fate", but at the same time, if I hadn't made a certain choice, would that "fated" moment have occurred?

10. Are you worried about doing things right or doing the right things?
A.) BOTH! I am a people pleaser and of late, I have found that I beat myself up when I do things that others do not agree with or doing something they don't like. I need to realize that I am NOT going to please everyone all the time. I attempted to make dinner for mom and I the other night and I didn't follow a recipe, but just started cooking. I ended up not doing it the way mom would have done it and I was upset with myself. Mom wasn't and the food turned out fine and delicious, but I didn't do it the "right" way. 

Okay.... I think that is enough introspection for this evening. 

Questions 11-20 are up next. 

Nighty night!! 

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

I wish I was that way....

I stumbled upon Kelly's Korner whilst perusing the internet this evening. She compiled a post on all of the things she wished she was, but was finally owning up to the fact that she wasn't. I really relate. I constantly wish I was different than I was. In so many ways. I am going to follow her lead....

* I wish I was more forgiving of myself. I am very hard on myself about so many things and I need to let myself off the hook. 

* I wish I was better at being a lil Ms. Suzy Homemaker. I want to be, I do, but I am just...not. 

* I wish I was less concerned about what others thought of me. And the funny, or rather ironic thing, is that I really don't care, but then my mind starts to unravel and I start thinking about how much of a people pleaser I am. 

* I wish I was more determined, more focused, more motivated in more than one area of life. I wish I was more motivated to go to the gym in the morning, I wish I was more focused on what I wanted to do with my life, 

* I wish I could be more of a life planner. I am more of a whatever happens, happens kind of person. 

* I wish I was less afraid to really put myself out there. I love writing, but I am so afraid to be more "vocal" on here and take more risks. I also enjoy taking pictures and wish that I would be more assertive with taking them. 

* I wish I was more of a risk taker. 

* I wish I was less materialistic, but I like stuff too much. Sad :(

These are not complaints about myself, they are just observations I have made about myself that I would like to try and own and accept. Some of these things I can change, I am sure with work, but I don't know that I should...because then I would be trying to please people, and as stated above, I wish I was less of a people pleaser. You read all over the internet nowadays that the only person you have to please is yourself, and that is what I would love to be able to do. 

Monday, March 19, 2012

Roommate Woes (a.k.a. the one where i bitch about the roommates girlfriend)

I am SO SO SO over having a roommate....and his girlfriend.

He hasn't done anything wrong per say, it's just his presence and the IDEA of having a roommate that is becoming an issue. 

He will only be here until July *hopefully*, but it's getting to be a bit much, considering that he has a girlfriend now... And that has created a bit of an issue mainly for me. I know that this is going to sound a bit, neurotic, but having another female in the house, makes me, um... NUTS! I find her to be a little controlling...and like she is trying to change my roommate, D. I like her very much. We have a fun time hanging out when she is here and we chit chat.  

Oh and did I mention Firefighter and I set them up? AND that their anniversary is the same as ours?

The room he is in isn't the best for a sleep over... we do not have a bed in there for him, just a leather couch. The couch had to be taken apart to be put in the room in the first place, so it's not moving. We told him about that when he asked to move in and he was fine with it. So needless to say when the girlfriend comes over and spends the weekend, it creates a bit of an issue for where she sleeps. Not really my concern, but I have this guilt that comes over me. Which is something I am working on.

But what really bothers me, what really gets under my skin, is when they are in common areas and they do the whisper talk, when I am within ear shot. I just thing it's rude and it makes me feel like a guest in my own house. Firefighter isn't really around for it, he is either at work or volunteering (this has been a busy month for him).

Another things that bothers me is that they are very anti-social when they are both here. They go into his room and just do, whatever. I don't know why that bothers me, but it does and I know it shouldn't. I mean, yes the house is like ridiculously small and we would probably be tripping over each other if they were out an about in the house, so I guess it's a blessing in disguise that they are hermits, but still they mostly quarantine themselves to his room.

And did I mention that while, I tell the girlfriend to make herself at home, I really don't want her too. It bothers me... Ugh! When I hear or see her in the kitchen looking for something, instead of just asking where it is, it makes me come unglued. If you don't know where it is freaking ASK!

Oh and did I mention that we only have ONE bathroom???? ONE!!!!!!!!!!! And it never fails that whenever it's in use is when a shower or whatever is needed. (Yea we have NO master bathroom)

The one thing I am looking forward to when he moves out is having my house back in order. The room that he is currently residing in was our office... Now our computer/office is out in the "dining" room. We have VERY limited space in there. VERY VERY limited space.

Oh and the walls are thin.... very THIN!

Sunday, March 11, 2012

A Tough Lesson Learned

I would like to introduce you to Zazu. 

She has recently been diagnosed with Feline Infectious Peritonitis. 

Basically she has what would be the equivalent to a human having AIDS. 

It's an autoimmune disease. The irony in this, is that I myself have an autoimmune disease. But I digress... 

There are two "varieties" ,if you will, of the disease. One is referred to as the dry form and the other form of the disease is wet. The dry form presents with lack of appetite, diarrhea, jaundice and neurological/ocular symptoms. The wet presents with  a swollen abdomen, weight loss and difficulty breathing and lethargy. It is not contagious for dogs or humans, but it is for other cats.

Zazu has the wet form. 

She had her first episode with the swollen belly in May 2011. Her stomach became distended and rigid. At first I thought she had simply gained weight from the change in her diet but Firefighter used his medic training to determine that it was fluid build up, not weight. The fluid build up returned at the end of January-ish. When I took her to the vet in January, he was surprised that it had been such a long time between episodes. He drained her abdomen and sent her home. We gave her Pedialyte for a little while, until she was eating on her own and it worked like a charm. Then a week or so later, I had to take her back, because it appeared that her abdomen was starting to swell again. This time he sent her home with some steroids to see if you she would be able to pass the fluid herself. It worked for a while, but Thursday of this past week I had to take her back to the vet, with a mildly swollen abdomen again. It's so very discouraging. 

I know that this condition will lead to her life being shortened. 

I know that it's probably something I could have prevented. 

The vet said that he will continue to drain her belly as long as we want to keep having it done. The end result will not change however. 

It will keep coming back.

She will continually get sick. 

I keep playing shoulda, woulda, coulda scenarios in my head. I don't know if the vaccine would have prevented it, but I shoulda had it done. Sadly, there isn't anything that can be done to cure it. 

Today she seems fine. She is eating and her belly is "normal". Of course I have been slightly paranoid and hovering making sure that it hasn't changed a bit since we came home Thursday. 

I am having a seriously hard time wrapping my head around the fact that we are, more than likely, going to have to make a decision to end a living and breathing creature's life. I love her and I do not want her to suffer, but selfishly I want her to stay with us as long as I can have her. 

I am not proud of how we have neglected Zazu and I basically feel as though we have handed her a death sentence, but I believe we have learned our lesson. 

A very painful lesson at that. 

The Cost of Being in the Bridal Party

Firefighter and I were blessed with the privilege of being asked to be in our friends, Engineer and Bartender's, wedding this coming April. This will be the first wedding that we will be in together. I am looking forward to that. 

It's been fun discussing the details of the wedding with the bride and offering suggestive input. We have surprisingly very similar taste, it's uncanny!! 

The one thing I don't like is what this is costing us. It hasn't been cheap. 

We have each had to each pay for our own attire. I get to keep my dress, however, Firefighter is only renting his tux and shoes. I have to still purchase shoes, and get nails and hair done and all that jazz! And we have each had to pay for cruises and our expenses on board...  and a bridal shower gift as well.

Oy... the affliction that my bank account has suffered.

This experience has all made me start to think about my own wedding. I am seriously considering not having a bridal party. Either that or I am going to reconsider their attire. Adding to my concern about the cost of wedding parties, I have been watching "Say Yes to the Dress: Bridesmaids" and it makes me want to throttle those women on the show. But it also makes the process look and sound so tedious and overwhelming. Granted I am sure some of that nonsense on there is staged, but I believe a bit of it is realistic.

Then there is the respective bachelor and bachelorette parties to consider. Firefighter already knows that he wants a cruise, but I am pretty certain that I am not going to go down that path. While I am not sure exactly what I want to do for my bachelorette party, I don't feel that it's appropriate to ask my ladies to pay for a cruise on top of paying for the dress, the shoes, etc.

I know I should focus on the joy of being apart of my friends day, rather then the cost of the weeding. But I also acknowledge that I am not loaded and I should be concerned about the cost of being in the wedding. I feel that the cost of being in a wedding has risen, and that is due to the rising trend of weddings becoming more important than the marriage. I want a nice wedding, don't get me wrong, but I also know that where I get married and the flowers I have do not matter in the grand scheme of things. You need to be as concerned about making the marriage a success as you are about making the wedding day a success.

In the end, once the day comes and goes, I will remember the good times that we had and the cost of being in the wedding will not even be in the front of my mind. I may be too drunk to remember how much I spent.