Saturday, February 11, 2012

Please forgive my panicked rant...

It's so surreal... 
I am sitting on my couch, watching "Something Borrowed" and looking for jobs at the same time. 
I can't believe I am here.
I can't believe this has happened to me.
Not that I thought I was infallible, but no one expects to get fired. I can sit here and say that I wasn't all that surprised and I wasn't really, but it still still hurts. 
When I think about applying for a job now, knowing that this is going to be on my resume now for future makes me nuts and makes me question how I will ever get another job. How are potential employers going to get past that? How do I convince them I am worth their time?
Being fired, while partially relieving, is humbling. It makes you question your decisions, your capabilities, and who you really are as a person. It can force you to examine yourself and evaluate things and make decisions and some lifestyle changes.
I feel like I let Firefighter down. He obviously doesn't feel that way, but it's still hard to not feel like I let him down, when I clearly did something wrong to get fired from my job... 

I am starting to wonder if I am going to have issues with the unemployment claim I filed. I wonder if there is any proof of my "disloyalty" that could be used against me. When these thoughts surface, I start to panic and then I get a knot in my stomach and feel like I can't breath or want to vomit. The thought of spending money now makes me want to wretch and at the same time, that's all I want to do.

So as an aside....I bought my powerball lottery ticket tonight. Fingers crossed. Here's hopin!

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