Sunday, February 26, 2012

SOCS: Job History and Outlook

stream of consciousness Sunday

Looking for a job is a humbling experience. 

It makes you look at yourself and your flaws and your attributes and makes you question your place in the world. 

I look for jobs frequently. When I find things that I think I would be interested in and I read the work description, I think to myself, "am I going to be able to do that?", "am I good enough to do that?", or "what will make them want to hire me?". 

I have been fortunate, in that the jobs I have had over the last 8 years I kind of fell into. 

My sister-in-law (for all intents and purposes) hooked me up with a job as an administrative assistant at a law firm where she worked. They took a chance on me. I had no experience in an office. I was coming from managing a  movie theater and they gave me a job and allowed me to exit my personal version of hell and enter the corporate America world. I was working Monday through Friday 830-530 and I was enjoying it. At said law firm is where I met my recent former boss. She was a family attorney there and in 2007 she was asked to leave due to differences of opinion in work style, among other things. At that time things had been slow at the law firm and I was working a mere 30 hours a week and a part time job at a book store to support Firefighter and I while he was in school. 

I was asked if I would be interested in leaving with her with the promise of being trained as a paralegal and 40 hours a week. 

I said yes! 

I was never trained as a paralegal, and for that I am thankful. I tried to take classes and find the law interesting, but I just didn't. Therefore, I remained an assistant. I answered the phones, scheduled meetings, hearings, mediation and other legal type appointments. The attorney who brought me over, Ex-Boss Lady, never took the time to sit down and show me anything really. She was more of a toss you in the water and let you learn how to swim kind of teacher. My other former boss, Ex-Boss, who was also simultaneously let go the same day I was, was kind enough to explain things to me and I appreciated that. Ex-Boss is also one of my best friends as a result of working together everyday. 

I have no formal training in anything, really. I feel like the only thing I am qualified to do is assist people. And since being fired, I have found have started questioning myself and my abilities and wondering how I will ever get over this, professionally. I know people do all the time, but it's the first time anything like this has happened to me and I am freaked. Despite the relief I feel, it does knock you down and make you wonder how anyone will ever see you as being capable. I am terrified of putting myself out there and being rejected....again. 

I have really enjoyed the free time but I think I am starting to get bored. I have no hobbies and I am seriously lacking motivation right now. 

It's hard not to feel worthless right now. I know that I am a good person and could be a good employee to someone if given the opportunity, but I have to be ready to sell myself and I just am not right now. And not quite sure how to get myself there.

(this MAY have taken a little more than 5 minutes... oops)

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Writer's Block

I hate that when I sit in front of my laptop/computer with the desire to post something, my mind seems to be or go blank. 

But the minute I step away from it, my head is full of ideas. 

I have all this time on my hands now so I was looking forward to being more active on here and on my other blog which I started with the intention of it being a draw for female fans of the Tampa Bay Rays. I was so excited about it when I started it at the end of last year, but between school and work, I was never really able to give it the attention it deserves. Now spring training is going and there is stuff going on all over the place and I can't seem to keep up. 

When it comes to this blog, I seem to be having a hard time finding my voice. I have ideas and then I am afraid to put them out there for some reason. 

It's very frustrating. 

Sunday, February 12, 2012

SOCS: The Weight of Unemployment

stream of consciousness Sunday

I was fired on Friday. I partially saw it coming, but was still a little shocked at the same time. I have been wanting out of there for a long time so I was a bit relieved. But at the same time the act of being fired is humbling and knocks you back a bit. I know I will bounce back and that things will be okay, but for the moment I am embracing this change of direction. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I literally feel 10 pounds later, and I don't feel my shoulders getting all hunched over and I feel the room in my brain being evicted by the useless information that was lodged there, and not paying rent. 

But in the place of that weight comes the panic and paranoia over money concerns. 

I can't even think about spending money right now. I literally have a physical reaction. I get a knot in my stomach and feel the urge to vomit. When I think about buying food, I feel almost paralyzed. In the same breath, however, part of me wants to go on a spending spree. But that would be financially irresponsible. Then there is a part of me that wants to stuff my face, but that would be nutritionally irresponsible. 

Firefighter has assured me that things are okay and that we will be fine. It's so great to have his support. He isn't so good at the consoling of a crying female, but he is good with the comic relief. And we have been having quite the chuckle over this situation. If he didn't know how much I wanted out of there, I am sure his approach would have been different, but he knew I was miserable. 

So I am taking this time to allow myself to remain free and unencumbered and to embrace me a little more. I am excited and feel free for the first time in a long time. I have many options and many paths to choose from now. I can go anywhere. I can do anything. I feel fearless. 


This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…
  • Set a timer and write for 5 minutes.
  • Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
  • Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
  • Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
  • Link up your post below.
  • Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

Blessing in Disguise

I am looking forward to opening up space in my brain where the everyday mundane stuff once resided. It will allow me to get in touch with the creative part of myself and I am looking forward to it and I so want to embrace that. I want to embrace it and lose the fear that I have been hiding behind for so long and put myself out there. I am looking forward to getting out and taking pictures and trying to really embrace photography. I think this will be a great opportunity for this to help me find out who I am in a lot of ways. 

Here's to embracing the unknown. 

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Please forgive my panicked rant...

It's so surreal... 
I am sitting on my couch, watching "Something Borrowed" and looking for jobs at the same time. 
I can't believe I am here.
I can't believe this has happened to me.
Not that I thought I was infallible, but no one expects to get fired. I can sit here and say that I wasn't all that surprised and I wasn't really, but it still still hurts. 
When I think about applying for a job now, knowing that this is going to be on my resume now for future makes me nuts and makes me question how I will ever get another job. How are potential employers going to get past that? How do I convince them I am worth their time?
Being fired, while partially relieving, is humbling. It makes you question your decisions, your capabilities, and who you really are as a person. It can force you to examine yourself and evaluate things and make decisions and some lifestyle changes.
I feel like I let Firefighter down. He obviously doesn't feel that way, but it's still hard to not feel like I let him down, when I clearly did something wrong to get fired from my job... 

I am starting to wonder if I am going to have issues with the unemployment claim I filed. I wonder if there is any proof of my "disloyalty" that could be used against me. When these thoughts surface, I start to panic and then I get a knot in my stomach and feel like I can't breath or want to vomit. The thought of spending money now makes me want to wretch and at the same time, that's all I want to do.

So as an aside....I bought my powerball lottery ticket tonight. Fingers crossed. Here's hopin!

So this one day, I walked into work, and got fired...

Yep, I was fired yesterday. And it happened first thing in the morning. They didn't work me all day. For my benefit or theirs? Who knows.... 

The reason given you ask? Lack of loyalty, along with multiple other things that were never brought to my attention. AT NO TIME WHATSOEVER was I approached about anything I was doing wrong. 

I was there over 4 years and worked on weekends, stayed late and did whatever was asked of me.... real lack of loyalty if you ask me. 

But... you know what? 

Part of me is relieved. I was NOT happy there anymore. I felt inadequate and like I didn't know what I was doing or understand everything. It wasn't a good fit for me. 

But .... another part of me is upset that this happened on her terms. I wanted to quit and leave her hanging, but now, she had the final say so i am just going to have to accept that. I wasn't even allowed to get things off my computer. I did delete some things earlier this week, because I had a feeling something was up, but I didn't get some other things I that wanted. And it was my stupidity for not moving the documents earlier. 

I have filed for unemployment and I am hoping that there are no issues with that. 

And to make it an even more interesting day.... the associate attorney in the office, and one of my bestest friends, was asked to leave when she got in as well. She called me an about 10:15am or so and told me how it went down for her. 

And the BEST part? My boss didn't have the BALLS to fire me herself so she has the other legal assistant in the office do it for me and the associate attorney. An attorney who isn't confrontational... kind of an oxymoron right? 

And I was watched as I packed up my things... and reminded of things to grab. It felt like they couldn't get rid of me fast enough. 

So now what? 

Well my mind is going in SOOOO many different directions. I could focus on school full time, I could focus more on here and getting this more established and getting myself out there, I could take a program at a vocational school and get a part time job. I will have more time to read the shelf of books I have that have been marked "to be read". I will be able to get the house more in order. 

Firefighter is supportive and consoling in the way he knows how to be, we crack jokes. And I have a pretty decent sense of humor and considering that I wasn't happy there completely to begin with makes it easier to laugh. BUT Firefighter believes that I should just get a job, like it's that easy. But I am not in a place right now where I can get another job where I am going to be miserable. I can't just get a job to have a job, ya know? He may be able to do that, but not me. I want to be a little more particular about it this time, but in the same breath I know I need to get a job. But I don't want to get sucked into another situation like the one I just got out of. I would like to go somewhere and do something that I feel more confident about. 

Then...when my mind gets going, I start thinking about bills, and food and well, I get knots, and have the urge to just hurl. But it's a fleeting sensation at the moment. I have some money in savings, so that is good, and I am hoping that I don't have to dip into it too much, but it may become a necessity. I will need to start cutting coupons for the things that I can use them for. I don't buy a lot of processed foods, so I am not sure what coupons I can use. I buy store brands for mostly everything I can right now, so that's already not going to be a problem. Firefighter is working decent hours right now and getting overtime almost on a weekly basis and he does still have some small income from the movie theatre, so every little bit helps. 

I am glad, at this moment, that we don't have children or a house. I can't imagine this happening if we did. I don't think that we would have been financially sound enough to handle it if we did. 

What happens next? How do you get a job when you have been fired? How do you get people to trust you and take a chance on you when that is on your resume? I am not a good ass-kisser or smoke up the ass blower and I am not a very good tooter of my own horn. This is something I am not sure how to deal with. 

BUT... this is going to be a good thing. It was a blessing in disguise. Good things will happen. They are right around the corner! 

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Surrender to Softball

As I mentioned in a previous post, Firefighter signed me up for softball without my consent and I kicked and I screamed, despite the adorable glove he purchased for me (it's brown and pink). And.... much to my disgust and yet not surprise... I think I may actually enjoy it. We played catch at a friends house last Sunday and I was hooked. I loved playing catch. It was a great workout. (I found muscles that had been in the witness protection program for years.) And I managed to impress Firefighter with my "gun". Hee hee!!!! Now he wants to get us matching baseball pants! Ummm... I think maybe NO! 

Well... we'll see!

So here's to making an ass out of myself and laughing through every minute.