Friday, January 27, 2012

I don't need to get on a scale to know I've gained weight

I noticed the weight loss hault in about June/July of 2010, 4 short months after starting Medifast. It was upsetting to me, because I had not changed anything that I was doing at that time. I was still eating the meals and drinking lots of water, but something shifted and caused the weight to stop coming off. It didn't seem to come back on, it just wasn't coming off. Can you say frustrated?!?!

A few short months after this, is when my father went into the hospital and then ultimately passed away. 

Since then the weight has slowly crept back on.  It's to the point now where I am scared to death to step on a scale. I so fear seeing those numbers that I believed would remain in my past, where I would have preferred to leave them. I KNOW I have gained weight, I don't need to step on a scale to tell me that I have. My clothes are a definite indicator that my weight has made an un-welcomed comeback.

I don't believe in using my condition as a crutch. I have mentally done that thousands of times, and I don't like it. I don't like blaming a condition for what has happened, but that is the only factor that I think could have affected the weight. I was staying on the plan and working out and not over indulging. I was doing everything right, or at least I thought I was. I know that my hormone replacement levels can affect things drastically, as well as the type of hormone replacement I take, natural versus synthetic. I lost most of the weight while I was taking Armor thyroid, which is the natural version and I have now switched to Tirosint which is a synthetic form. Needless to say, I am not happy. I feel like the natural hormone worked better for me, but the doctor is scared to put me back on it because it was hard to regulate. I agree, it was, but it made me feel better, it made me feel sane. So now I am having an internal battle. Do I really want to give that medicine another go? Or do I want to continue on the synthetic? UGH!

I feel like I have been all over the place emotionally, hormonally, psychologically, etc. I haven't felt like who I believe I am in a long time. I get paranoid over stupid things, I overreact to things, I get depressed and have waves of supremely negative thinking. It's overwhelmingly ridiculous at times. There are days when I wish I could just get in a car and drive away from it all, but that won't change anything. It will simply put a band-aid on the wound. I need to figure out how to stitch it back together. And I think that I may be on my way there.

I am learning to understand my condition better and make some changes to adapt to living with it, i.e. going Gluten free (which is harder then I thought it would be). I have been seeing a personal trainer who is also going to help me plan out my meals. Hopefully I will not have to rely on him for a long time, because I need to be able to do this on my own. I shouldn't need to have some one tell me how and what to eat.

I am headed in the right direction. Unfortunately my impatience will need some taming. I need to look at the big picture and realize that slow and steady wins the race!

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