Friday, January 27, 2012

I don't need to get on a scale to know I've gained weight

I noticed the weight loss hault in about June/July of 2010, 4 short months after starting Medifast. It was upsetting to me, because I had not changed anything that I was doing at that time. I was still eating the meals and drinking lots of water, but something shifted and caused the weight to stop coming off. It didn't seem to come back on, it just wasn't coming off. Can you say frustrated?!?!

A few short months after this, is when my father went into the hospital and then ultimately passed away. 

Since then the weight has slowly crept back on.  It's to the point now where I am scared to death to step on a scale. I so fear seeing those numbers that I believed would remain in my past, where I would have preferred to leave them. I KNOW I have gained weight, I don't need to step on a scale to tell me that I have. My clothes are a definite indicator that my weight has made an un-welcomed comeback.

I don't believe in using my condition as a crutch. I have mentally done that thousands of times, and I don't like it. I don't like blaming a condition for what has happened, but that is the only factor that I think could have affected the weight. I was staying on the plan and working out and not over indulging. I was doing everything right, or at least I thought I was. I know that my hormone replacement levels can affect things drastically, as well as the type of hormone replacement I take, natural versus synthetic. I lost most of the weight while I was taking Armor thyroid, which is the natural version and I have now switched to Tirosint which is a synthetic form. Needless to say, I am not happy. I feel like the natural hormone worked better for me, but the doctor is scared to put me back on it because it was hard to regulate. I agree, it was, but it made me feel better, it made me feel sane. So now I am having an internal battle. Do I really want to give that medicine another go? Or do I want to continue on the synthetic? UGH!

I feel like I have been all over the place emotionally, hormonally, psychologically, etc. I haven't felt like who I believe I am in a long time. I get paranoid over stupid things, I overreact to things, I get depressed and have waves of supremely negative thinking. It's overwhelmingly ridiculous at times. There are days when I wish I could just get in a car and drive away from it all, but that won't change anything. It will simply put a band-aid on the wound. I need to figure out how to stitch it back together. And I think that I may be on my way there.

I am learning to understand my condition better and make some changes to adapt to living with it, i.e. going Gluten free (which is harder then I thought it would be). I have been seeing a personal trainer who is also going to help me plan out my meals. Hopefully I will not have to rely on him for a long time, because I need to be able to do this on my own. I shouldn't need to have some one tell me how and what to eat.

I am headed in the right direction. Unfortunately my impatience will need some taming. I need to look at the big picture and realize that slow and steady wins the race!

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Forced out of My Comfort Zone

Firefighter decided to sign me up for softball. 

WITHOUT ASKING ME FIRST! And when he DID mention  it to me, it was in front of friends, who are also on the team, and that really put me on the spot. Um... PRESSURE MUCH!?!?!? 

I can't seem to let this go. 

First of all, I am not an athletic person AT ALL! I never have been. Nor have I even expressed an interest in becoming an athletic person. I have absolutely no confidence in my *ahem* "athletic" abilities, because well, I have none. So the very thought of running, throwing and catching a softball literally almost terrifies me. I think about it and get knots in my stomach and want to cry and hide in a hole. I do realize that is a bit dramatic and that it's only a softball game, but when you have no confidence in yourself at something, being almost forced to do it can create a paralyzing fear. Not to mention that I am playing with a lot of people that I do not know and they may be competitive. I also don't like the idea of these people making comments about me. I have enough insecurities in myself, I don't need strangers saying negative things about me too! 

Firefighter feels that what he did was to help motivate me and get me active, and I am fully aware of that, and I appreciate his initiative, however, I would have appreciated being consulted first. He feels that asking me first would have resulted in resistance from me, and he is probably right, I would have been resistant. I mean it is my time that he has basically volunteered and lately I am all about spending my time doing the things that make me happy and to be honest, playing softball is not something I have ever wanted to do. I would never sign him up for a writing class, because I know he would hate it. All I am saying is that he should have had some consideration and asked me first. I realize that his heart is in the right place, and I do acknowledge that I could be seen as being ungrateful, but I really just do not want to do this. And to make matters worse, I will inevitably feel a crap ton of guilt for not playing if they have to forfeit a game simply because I do not want to play. What is the matter with me? 


I do have to say what annoys me MOST about the situation is Firefighter's ability to get me out of my comfort zone, which will almost inevitably result in me having a good time. Which quite frankly, pisses me off! And then I am apologizing for throwing a fit and yelling at him and being hell-bent against the idea. I hate that he has this knack of knowing me so well, and for some reason even after all this time, I feel like I don't really know him that well. (But that is for another time) 

I will admit that I need to give this a shot before being so against it. And I do understand that I am being silly for behaving this way because of softball.  However, my issue still remains with the way in which I was volunteered for this without being asked. I can almost predict with some certainty that I could come back here tomorrow and say that I played and had an awesome time but that doesn't negate the fact that Firefighter should have had enough respect for me to ask me first and to do so without putting me on the spot the way that he did. 

So I need to look at this with a positive perspective... I WILL HAVE FUN! I WILL LAUGH AT MYSELF! I WILL NOT CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK! IT WILL BE FUN TO DO THIS AS A COUPLE! IT'S JUST A GAME!!! (repeat as often as necessary)

Friday, January 6, 2012

Negative Nancy rears her ugly head

I am in the worst frame of mind tonight. I went shopping and that has truly become something I abhor. I was really starting to love shopping and trying new things and now... I fear that I am falling back into my old patten of comfy clothes work best. I hate my clothes that I have right now but don't feel like buying new, larger clothes.

I hate where I am right now, mentally. I just hate it. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just give up and get fat. And I don't like that I feel that way. I hate having those thoughts. I don't want to backward. I want to go forward.

Ugh ... Hormones suck!!!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Scale Scare

I am scared to death of putting even a tippy of a toe on the scale. I know I have gained weight, I don't need an evil machine to tell me I have... I can feel it. But I know at some point I am going to have to step on the scale and get an idea of where I am so that I can determine where I need to be. Based on my clothes and the way they are fitting, I am going to say that I need to lose about 30 lbs are so. But of course that isn't official since I haven't stepped on the blasted scale. I have read in places that the more you weigh your self the more likely you are to maintain your weight or at least pay more attention to what you are putting in your mouth. I can understand that, but that would require stepping on the scale, and I just don't wanna right now.

I came across my skinny jeans last night.... there was a pause and a sigh with a heavy heart... I want to get there again and I want it to be instantaneous.  CURSES!! I will get there thought... it will happen, I can feel it!

Have a fab day!