Saturday, October 1, 2011

One year/365 days

It sounds like a long time but it really isn't. 

That's how long it's been since I last saw you, since I heard your voice, since I said goodbye.

My days are filled with mundane, trivial nonsense that has become old habit. 

I wake up, drink my coffee and go on about my day. Seconds turn into minutes which turn into hours and before we know it, evening calls and I prepare to do it all over again. Hard to believe that thoughts of a lost loved one can go by the wayside when the days consist of such hum-drum redundancy. 

But that is what's happened... 

Not a day goes by that I do not have at least a fleeting thought about my father, but it's the quality of the thought that I find disturbing, as well as the quickness of it. I'll be going along and then I will see his face or hear his voice and that is when reality butts in and shoves him aside. Now, please do not think I want to think of him every second of every day, but I often wonder if my inability to focus on the fact that he is gone, is what is postponing my grieving and acceptance. 

When I do think of my father, my thoughts are often quick glimpses of his final days in the hospital - his final words to me. I deeply cherish what I remember, however, I wish I had more flashes of him out of the hospital. It's a sad reality to accept though - dad was in/out of the hospital for so long that it's hard to remember him not being there. I long to remember some of the conversations we had over the years...his words of wisdom or even his perverse jokes. 

My father's death was my first significant loss. I have lost all of my grandparents, but sadly, I was not close enough to them for their passing to have a significant impact on me the way my dad's passing has had on me. But dad was well... dad. He's half the reason I am here. He was an everyday fixture in my life. He told me stories of his past and his growing up and his neighborhoods. He gave me advice on all kinds of things from cooking, to cars, to fixing things around the house. He made me laugh and made me feel special and loved.

The disbelief is still ever present in my day to day thoughts about my dad. I still can not believe that he is no longer around. I still feel his presence when I go to my parent's house. He had such a large presence and personality that it's almost palpable. I am constantly expecting him to just appear as if from nowhere.

But that isn't going to happen...

So on this date every year my family and I will remember my Papa Bear. Together we will look back, share memories, share stories, and he will live again. The arrival of this date will always have an impact. No matter how much time passes, this date will always be looked at with heavy hearts and saddened eyes. 

3 comments:

  1. Isn't it crazy how time flies? Yet doesn't at the same time. Sorry about your dad. I've lost grandparents too but I wasn't close enough to really feel grief about it so I'm not looking forward to the day that I know what it's like to lose someone close.

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  2. I have many of the samw thoughts sis. I do feel as if dad wil be coming by in his cart when I at publix. And there are the phone calls he would make at odd times. And i wish I would have talked to hom more about his chldhood. There was a sense of romanticism in how he portrayed his youth. it seemed to be a happy time for him.
    a year has gone by....wow!

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