Saturday, October 29, 2011

Early Bird Mini Shopping Spree

So I have been such a good girl lately and not buying a lot of stuff for myself or the house or anything. 

I mean hello... haven't been to Target, a weakness of mine, for almost 3 months I think. Very impressive if I do say so myself ... and I do! 

SOOOO this morning my sister and I went on a little early shopping trip to Kohls. I had a coupon in the mail and well, I need new work clothes... I am so bored with the current clothes in my wardrobe! 

So I picked up a few tops and a little Welcome sign, with SUNFLOWERS!!! (swoon) for the house. AND... as a bonus, I got a anti-stress sinus pillow that can be microwaved for when I get my massive and almost debilitating headaches. I can't wait to see if it works!! 

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I never do this, but thought I'd share the loveliness that I got for myself this morning! 

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Friday, October 28, 2011

A Lesson Learned

I decided to go back to school this semester and decided that taking online classes would be the best thing for me since I work a full time job. 

WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING??? 

I am definitely one of those people that benefits from the "in the classroom" experience. Especially considering the classes that I decided to take... 

International Relations ... via a virtual class... seriously dumb idea on this girl's part. I have a hard enough time following basic politics, let alone Foreign issues... forget about it. It's all so confusing. I read the book but the material goes over my head a little and makes me feel like my brain is mush. And I want to understand what is going on in the world and the issues and all that jazz! I do have to admit that I like the way that the teacher has set the class up online. Every Monday at noon the test is due or the posts for the discussion boards are due then. There is a consistency. AND... I have to write a paper that is 12-15 pages...double spaced. It sounds so scary! We had to pick a topic that involves international issues. I decided on immgration and NAFTA. Immigration is something that i have a strong opinion about so I think it will be a more fruitful venture for me.

Intro to Environmental Studies...not so complicated...however, I do not care for how the teacher has the class set up. There is no set day for things to be done.  One thing that has infuriated me is the fact that the professor made it mandatory to have a textbook, but I haven't touched it once! He uses power points and prepared notes. But the schedule isn't set. You literally have to log onto the virtual classroom EVERY SINGLE DAY to make sure that you do not miss anything. And what is more frustrating is that he doesn't pre-post deadlines. ARGH! AND... I have to write a paper for this class as well. The teacher gave us a list of topics to choose from on this one, and I chose smoking/non-smoking and the effects on the body. It's turned out to be interesting considering mom smoked, dad smoked and we have friends that smoke. Reading about emphysema and COPD is really hitting home, considering that part of dad's health issues were linked to smoking. 

But I digress... 

Next semester I plan on taking classes that will be IN THE CLASSROOM! I need that interaction with the teacher and the feedback and opinions of the other students. I have registered for a class called Religion in America. It sounds really interesting, and considering that I am not a religious person, it should be interesting. But I think that is part of the reason that I want to take it. Maybe it will help me to get in touch with a part of me that I haven't been in touch with for years. 

Anyway - I am glad that I made the decision to go back to school. It's definitely challenging me, in good and bad ways. It's forcing me to use my brain and parts of it that I haven't used in a long time. I use my brain on a daily basis, but it's become such monotonous crap that it doesn't seem to be too challenging, not to mention that I don't care to really expend my brain power on the subject of my job. It's not something that I want to understand. 

I know it will all pay off in the end...even though I have my moments when I am frustrated and wanting to pull my hair out. I want to to be an educated person and I so enjoy learning! 

An adult?? Who?? ME?!?!?

When I was growing up, I knew I would be the age that I am now, but never had any idea what that life would look like. Now that I am this age, and feel like I am still in high school, I have moments when I can't believe I am in my thirties already. Where did it go? The fact that I am walking around a house without my parents being here is kind of cool. Even though, I am the one who is responsible to take care of the house now, which kind of sucks honestly, it's still a great feeling to know that I am not dependent on anyone. Then I start to think about all the things that adults get to do, I start to feel a sense of anxiety and panic. The idea that I am old enough to  even consider buying a house, or having kids, makes me think to myself, "how did that happen" and "when I did I become the adult?" It's such a strange reality to me. It's so incredibly hard to believe that I am no longer a "kid". I am an adult.

ME... an adult!!!! ACK!

Despite being an adult *gulp*, I often feel like I am treated as though I am still the kid in the room who doesn't get it. It's as though people around me are talking above my head or beyond my realm of understanding. I feel like people dance around issues in front of me... like they are trying to protect me. I do not need protection. I am an adult... treat me like one!

Am I the only one that feels this way?

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Let the games begin!!!

Crunch time is coming! I have 2 papers due, both relatively close to each other in due dates and I am just really starting them now. Sadly, I am one of those people that works better under pressure. My brain seems to function and find words easier when put to the test. This is not a quality of mine that I cherish or gloat about. It's a quality that I loathe in fact. I would much rather prefer the ability to pace myself, to find a groove and go with it. Not me, I like to do things the hard way. 

To add to the frustration of writing these papers I am going to have the added stress of firefighter taking his test in Halloween for a county position as a firemedic. The anxiety and trepidation are all too familiar. The hoping and putting the eggs in one basket is something I do far too easily. I constantly tell myself NOT to do that, but it happens, I do it! Eggs are in the basket... and you know what, it's a pretty freakin' basket. It's not too big, not too small, it's white with some of that pretty Easter basket grass stuff and nice big purple bow. With a basket so appealing, how could I not put my eggs in there?? But i digress...I want the waiting and the anxiety to be over with. I so wish that it was one of those tests where you take it and know right then and there if you are hired or not. Well that's not how this works... He takes one test, then another test and then there is an interview. Hoop jumping is what it sounds like to me. I don't like hoops. 

Life is starting to pick up it's pace too, like it always does at the end of the year. So now in addition to all of this fun stuff, I have to sneak shopping in somewhere for Christmas gifts. And it's gonna be hard... I haven't stepped foot in a Target or Kohls or Old Navy in MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!! (Squeal.. GO ME!!!!) 

So I have my game face and big girl panties on... let's do this people! 

Peace out!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Welcome fall!

I am so in love with the weather right now. It makes me want to drink buckets of coffee and eat warm foods and be with family. It's also an indicator that the holidays are around the corner. While I am not exactly thrilled with how quickly time is flying, I do so love the holidays. It's a time for traditions, family, good food and friends.
I wish it looked like this where I am. It's so beautiful!   

Fall Fun Lovely Autumn


Saturday, October 15, 2011

I just can't

Yesterday I had a moment when I whole heartedly missed my father's voice. I can hear what I remember it to sound like in my head and it's so clear it makes me think he is still here. But I know he isn't. I could feel the tears welling up and since I was at work, I couldn't let them free flow. It really sucks that most of the times I think about him are times when it's inconvenient to cry... at work, out to dinner or at parties. There never seems to be a time when I think of him I am either not alone or even just with family. And oddly enough when I am with my mother and she is talking to me about her memories and her grief and she starts to cry it doesn't prompt me to cry. What is that?

I need to cry. I need to get it out and I just can't.

freely creative

is it possible for a house to make you feel mentally blocked? i tend to feel like i am most creative when i am not at my own house. i feel more expressive when i am out and about. right now I am sitting at the library and should be studying, but i am writing this instead.. hee hee. but my point is just that i feel like i can really think here and other places and i can't do that at home. is it because i don't like my house? is it because there is a great deal of stress attached to it since it's always needing attention? i guess it makes sense. but that doesn't make it any less frustrating. i would love be able to have the thoughts that i have here and at work when i am at home. it would be far more efficient. but efficient is boring right?!! HA! 

where do you all write/create the best?

p.s. and as i sit here... i wish i brought my camera with me. shucks!

p.p.s. next time, i shouldn't sit near the window :) 

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Silverlake Home Pros & Cons: A List

Pros
  • We own the house - it would be OURS!!!! 
  • We would be almost grown ups! 
  • Room for a family
  • Good layout
  • More storage
  • More room - our current house is ABOUT 1000 square feet. The new house is 1951 sq feet. That's almost doubling in size... OH EM GEE! 
  • 2 car garage - now we have a car port 
  • We aren't under Firefighter's parent's thumb anymore
  • It's a newer house, therefore it's more energy efficient and won't leak AC. 
  • We can install fans! 
  • We can put holes in the walls... not a huge deal to most people, but since the walls in the current house are made out of plaster we can't hang pictures in the traditional way. Thank goodness for command hooks. 
  • We can have people over more then 2 at a time for dinner! 
  • I won't be ashamed of the house.
  • We can change it how ever we want... knock down walls, paint, rip up floors... WHATEVER WE WANT!!!!
  • There is a dishwasher - WE DON'T HAVE ONE NOW.... can I just say UGH!!!
  • Location is quiet and peaceful - there are cows in the backyard! COWS!! MOO!!!
  • There is a porch ... we can eat outside if we wanted to! 
  • I will finally feel like I have a home, something I can be proud of! I am not proud of the house we are in now and have never been able to feel like I can call it my own.. I don't like that I feel like I have to ask permission to paint it or anything.
  • The development has really come along... it's a lot more family friendly and cleaner. 
  • We get to GO SHOPPING!!!!!!!!!!! We get to buy fun home decor thingys, and by we I mean ME! Firefighter could almost care less. He has made a request of no floral decor items and I can live with that... I am not a floral decor person. I do like fresh flowers, but I digress. 
  • I think I would be happier there... I think the surrounding area, the peace and quiet, will relax me a bit more.
  • Close to an up and coming area, which means that it could increase home value. I have a Kohls, Super Target, Old Navy and Sports Authority withing a 10 minute drive... AWESOMENESS!!!!!!!!!!
  • We can grow into the house. I can see a family there! 
Cons 
  • We own it.... if it breaks WE have to fix it (not our "landlords")
  • We have a mortgage payment that we can't miss
  • Farther away from work, deal with more traffic which leads to...
  • Spending more on gas. 
  • Adding Buster to the homeowner's insurance concerns me based on his breed. But he is like 13 years old and he has arthritis so I am not sure that he would be a threat, but he has a vicious bark. 
  • Farther away from bowling alley - affects Firefighter more then me.
  • We would have to replace the carpet and the fridge - at least on the current house that we are eyeing! The carpet is NAS-TY! I should post a picture!
  • We have to furnish more rooms... not right away, but eventually. 
  • We have discussed having a roommate. It would be purely for financial gain and a change to save some money. 
  • The house has been abandoned for two years... could there be things that we don't know about? We have to wait to have the inspection until it appears we are going to close. 
  • We have to go shopping... we have additional rooms to furnish... which means additional money to spend... oy. 
  • The kitchen sink is WHITE and the rest of the appliances are black, so that should be replaced. Nothing that has to be done right away, but should be addressed.


Sunday, October 2, 2011

My Happy Place: Disney Movies

I am 31, almost 32 and I LOVE Disney movies and I am not afraid to admit it. They are my happy place. They help me leave the realms of reality for a little bit and remember what it's like to be a kid.... as we speak, or type, I am watching "Tangled". It's a newer movie and I so enjoy it. I prefer the classically animated Disney movies as opposed to the Pixar movies. Nothing against Pixar, but the classics are what I was raised on. 


My favorites include: Finding Nemo, The Lion King, Monsters, Inc., Alice in Wonderland, Beauty and the Beast, Snow White, Sword in the Stone, The Little Mermaid, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Mary Poppins and Bedknobs and Broomsticks... 



I fully intend to attempt to collect as many of the classics as I can for my children. I try to buy them as they come out, or at least that is what I would like to do! 

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Unknown Expectations


I have been meaning to start linking back up for weeks now.... and today I did it! YAY!!!!!!

I put people on pedestals... why do I do that? I make people I like out to be these perfect humans that never make mistakes. They also judge everything I do...or at least that is what I fear. This has proven to be somewhat of an issue for me because I tend to censor what I say and things that I do in front of certain people, because I don't want look stupid or have them see me in any kind of negative light. When these people do things that I find to be wrong or strange, it really shakes my whole perception of them to the core. Why do I do this? I know no one is perfect and I know that it's not the best thing to put people on pedestals... how can I expect them to live up to unknown expectations? It's not fair. Plus they do not have to do anything to please me. They do not have to live by my expectations. I often find that the people I do this too, are the people that I would most  like to emulate in my life in some way or they have qualities I wish I possessed. I need to just realize that we are all different and that while there are things about them I would like to have, there are things about them, that I am sure I would not like, things that I don't see. No one is perfect no matter how hard people try to will others into perfection. And I know what it's like to be put on a pedestal... I have a friend that had me on one, and let me just say it isn't fair to do that to someone. I have flaws and I have a hard enough time pleasing my parents, and myself, let alone a friend. Of course there are a few expectations that friends can have of each other that like returning phone calls and being there when you need them... but there needs to be room for error... we are humans, we make mistakes. 

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This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…
  • Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
  • Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
  • Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
  • Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
  • Link up your post below.
  • Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

I think it's Fall, but I live in Florida so it could be a glitch

OMG.... the weather this morning is awesome! If only I lived in a place where the leaves changed and looked like this.... then I would know for sure that it was fall. The problem with Florida is how fickle it is here. One minute it's cold and the next minute it could be hot again! I wish I lived somewhere, where the seasons were more definitive. Here the seasons flow together and are almost indistinguishable. Well, except for summer.... we can tell when it's summer. It gets freaking hot as hell during the summer time. 


I love the change of season... and this is one of my favorite times of the year. I was born and raised in Florida, but I am by no means a Florida girl. I would much rather live somewhere where it isn't blistering hot all the time. I don't find Florida to be a beautiful place to live. I prefer to look at trees and mountains and leaves that change colors... I would like to see snow once and a while. 

One thing I love about the change in weather is the change I feel... I feel more energized... more alive. That is huge. The heat sucks the life out of me...one reason I hate living in Florida. I can't wait until the weather change is during the day and not just in the mornings and evenings...then I can open the windows and turn off the AC! It means snuggling under blankets and hot chocolate and maybe once in a while... having backyard fire pits! WOO HOO!

Fall is ALMOST here!


Saturday, October 1, 2011

One year/365 days

It sounds like a long time but it really isn't. 

That's how long it's been since I last saw you, since I heard your voice, since I said goodbye.

My days are filled with mundane, trivial nonsense that has become old habit. 

I wake up, drink my coffee and go on about my day. Seconds turn into minutes which turn into hours and before we know it, evening calls and I prepare to do it all over again. Hard to believe that thoughts of a lost loved one can go by the wayside when the days consist of such hum-drum redundancy. 

But that is what's happened... 

Not a day goes by that I do not have at least a fleeting thought about my father, but it's the quality of the thought that I find disturbing, as well as the quickness of it. I'll be going along and then I will see his face or hear his voice and that is when reality butts in and shoves him aside. Now, please do not think I want to think of him every second of every day, but I often wonder if my inability to focus on the fact that he is gone, is what is postponing my grieving and acceptance. 

When I do think of my father, my thoughts are often quick glimpses of his final days in the hospital - his final words to me. I deeply cherish what I remember, however, I wish I had more flashes of him out of the hospital. It's a sad reality to accept though - dad was in/out of the hospital for so long that it's hard to remember him not being there. I long to remember some of the conversations we had over the years...his words of wisdom or even his perverse jokes. 

My father's death was my first significant loss. I have lost all of my grandparents, but sadly, I was not close enough to them for their passing to have a significant impact on me the way my dad's passing has had on me. But dad was well... dad. He's half the reason I am here. He was an everyday fixture in my life. He told me stories of his past and his growing up and his neighborhoods. He gave me advice on all kinds of things from cooking, to cars, to fixing things around the house. He made me laugh and made me feel special and loved.

The disbelief is still ever present in my day to day thoughts about my dad. I still can not believe that he is no longer around. I still feel his presence when I go to my parent's house. He had such a large presence and personality that it's almost palpable. I am constantly expecting him to just appear as if from nowhere.

But that isn't going to happen...

So on this date every year my family and I will remember my Papa Bear. Together we will look back, share memories, share stories, and he will live again. The arrival of this date will always have an impact. No matter how much time passes, this date will always be looked at with heavy hearts and saddened eyes.