Monday, May 9, 2011

illusion

lately, mostly since my friend's father's service, i have been feeling very at peace with dad's passing. when i think of it, i feel nothing. is that good or bad? am i ambivalent or have i accepted it? it's all very confusing. i know there is no right or wrong answer when it comes to how people grieve, but i wish there was a guide. i wish there was a timeline. i wish it were easier. i hate that at this moment i feel like i have accepted it but i know down the line shortly i will have intense waves of emotion and i will wish them away. i just have a hard time knowing what to do with the emotion. for some reason i feel the need to bottle up the emotion rather then express it and let it out. i don't know if firefighter's whole "showing emotion = weakness" mentality has rubbed off on me or if this is how i have always felt.  i have grown accustomed to shoving my feelings down deep inside and putting on a happy face and making the best of the situation. it's a defense mechanism. when i do feel the loss of dad i have strong desires for instant gratification. i am really needing to pay attention to my shopping and watch that i don't spend all of my money. right now it would be so easy to do. buying things and/or stuff would make me feel so much better. but i know that the high i get from buying something is only temporary and that i will eventually crash back down and that the object i purchased is not going to replace my loss. it will only put me more into debt. i have also had the overwhelming urge to stuff my face with anything and everything that  i want and or see. but again, that will solve nothing and only send me back somewhere i am determined not to be again. 

so i guess this is just a false sense of adjustment. it's an illusion. i mean how can anyone have accepted their father's death after only 7 months? it's not been long enough. i can't even begin to imagine what it will be like once i have reached the real stage of adjustment. i long for that day. just so that i can be at peace. i long for my mother's peace as well. she is so tormented and i know at times she blames herself, but there was nothing anyone could have done. it was his time. 

i am already over the illusion of acceptance. i want to do away with the smoke screen and see for real what acceptance and moving on feels/looks like. i know my time will come and that i need patience. it's just so hard, when i so desperately want things back they way they were. 

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