Sunday, May 29, 2011

Dishwater Dreams: Writing Workshop


I have been getting prompts from Dishwater Dreams for a little while now but I haven't been inspired by any of the prompts until recently. 

The prompt that inspired me in particular is: What would you do if you weren't afraid to?

I have to say that I have several responses to this posed question. 

1.) I would quit my job and go back to school full time. What is intimidating about this scenario is the lack of income if I were to actually do this. How would we live? We have bills... Would I get a part time job? Would i stay focused on school? 

2.) Make my blog more public. It is currently not something all of my friends know about. I do not share my posts on Facebook. I still have a fear of rejection and I am very sensitive when it comes yo my writing. It's not something I have the most confidence in. In all honesty I think I may have mentioned that I have this blog to Firefighter, but never fully discussed it with him. I am more willing to share this with perfect strangers than with people that I know. 

3.) Ultimately though I think if money were NO object, I would quit my job and head to Italy. I so would love to travel and see more of this earth. There is so much here to see that I know and have accepted that I will never get to see. Plus I want to get a better understanding and more exposure to my heritage. After Italy I think I would hit up Paris, France and perhaps London. 

What would YOU do if you weren't afraid to??

Home Sweet Home

Today has been quite a lovely day, thus far.  We have gone to Home Depot, had breakfast with friends, went to Barnes & Noble, Best Buy and then I went to Publix solo. 

Firefighter has been quite the handyman around the house lately. We live in an older house and all of the outlets are 2 prong outlets so we have been replacing them. *SUPER FUN*

We also replaced the lighting receptacle in the dining room. It was HIDEOUS! We hung the new one today. *YAY* 

It is SO nice to have him finally take an interest in the house. I think the new grill sparked it all to be honest. And frankly I do not care what it is that shifted his motivation, all I care about is that fact that he is motivated!


It is so nice to actually enjoy living in my house. It has been ages since I have actually liked living here. The new couch... the new grill... it's all so homey!

We are actually going to be able to have people over and not be ashamed of the house. Next we will have to tackle the outside. I'd like to attempt planting some flowers. I don't have the best green thumb but it's worth a shot. 

So hopefully the rest of this weekend will be as relaxing and yet productive... 

Tomorrow will be Memorial day festivities at mom's house! (And appropriately we are currently watching Legally Blonde 2: Red, White and Blonde!) 


Saturday, May 28, 2011

Saturday Morning Scene

Linking up again with Katie at Loves of Life for Saturday Morning Scene.

Here is what my morning looks like today: 


A little Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince to start the morning off...never a bad thing. 


And my i-touch and my doctor's requested "homework" are close by. 

Also tending to my sick kitty this morning. She had an abdominal bacterial infection that the vet can't determine how she got. She was at the vet Thursday and over night to Friday afternoon. She was given a 14 day antibiotic shot and is home and recovering. So far she hasn't really been eating on her own, and I have had to give her Pedialyte in a syringe. Not something that either of us enjoy. But I gave her some of her fave wet cat food and she nibbled... good sign! I am worried about leaving her today. We are gonna be gone a long time. (To be honest - there is a part of my that can not wait for today to be over. I am tired just thinking about it. )

Firefighter and I will be going to breakfast soon and then off to the Rays game. I hope they win again today! They really need to get out of their slump and get back to the top of their division. 

Have a great Saturday. 

Friday, May 27, 2011

Walk on the Beach

Walked the beach with my mom and her friend tonight. It was a brief walk,but I got some decent shots. 








Happy Friday! 

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

What I Love Wednesdays


LOVE that Firefighter is getting so involved in the house. We bought this chandelier last night for the house.

I LOVE that we no longer have a roommate! It hasn't sunk in yet but I am sure it will!! 

I LOVE that we are going to a Rays came this weekend with friends. 

LOVE that Avril Lavigne is performing after the game! 

I LOVE that it's a 3 day weekend.



What are you loving today??









{Untitled}

So yesterday was my appointment with the doctor who put on the free seminar that i mentioned here. the seminar was very informative and hit home on a lot of symptoms for me. at the seminar the first three people to sign up for an appointment (at a discounted price) received this free book. At my appointment yesterday, the doctor insisted that I read the first three chapters before my next appointment. 

She basically performed some neurological tests (balance and reflexes) on me and we chatted about my symptoms (fatigue, memory, concentration, muscle fatigue, etc.) and she ordered some blood work. Once I get the blood work done and she gets the results we will have another appointment where we will discuss her findings. Firefighter has to attend that appointment. He attended yesterday as well, and I have to agree with him (but don't tell him) there was no need for him to be at that appointment. He will definitely need to be at the next appointment though. I have a feeling that I am going to have to make some lifestyle changes. While I know it's not hard, I also know myself well enough to know that it is going to be a challenge.  But I want to feel better and I want to be healthy. If I don't get my autoimmune disease under control know I can pass things onto my children... and that scares me. They aren't things that I can't handle, but they sure are things that would challenge their quality of life. 

I started reading the book last night. It has really opened my eyes to some things I didn't know and reminded me of things I already knew. Some of the topics covered in the book are reminiscent of issues dad had. He was hypothyroid as well, but I am beginning to think that he may have had an autoimmune disease that was undiagnosed. It is hereditary after all! In that regard reading the book has been hard. I keep having these what if moments... what if he had been tested? What if they checked his thyroid more frequently? What if this or what if that... none of this will bring him back. And while I love my father, I also know that if he had been tested and it was determined that he would have had to make some lifestyle changes, he would not have done it. Just calling a spade a spade! 

So hopefully once I get this resolved and get a plan I will start to feel "normal". 

That is all for now... sorry for the long rambling post! 

Monday, May 23, 2011

Dear New Lady

Dear New Lady:

you do not need to talk to me E V E R Y time you walk through my office

you do not need to announce every time you go outside for a cigarette - especially since I have asked you not too. thereby you do not need to say "I am going outside and not telling you why" or any other variation of the same thing

you do not need to ask me what is so funny when i laugh. 9 times out of 10 i will not tell you since more then likely it is personal.

you do not need to sit in my office and wait for me to leave so we can leave at the same time. which phases into the fact that you do not need to sit and watch me work while you are waiting to leave for the day. if you are done, please leave. 

you do not need to tell fearless leader to thank me. after a certain point it seems less authentic. 

you especially do not need to read emails from fearless leader directed to me - even if it is to check and see if it was directed to you as well. 

for your age you shouldn't be so concerned about being popular. yes we are a small office and for the most part we all get along, but we do not have to be outside of work buddies. 

stop seeking my approval. 
stop trying so hard. 
stop looking for a pat on the back when you have done something. 

and for the last time...... I AM NOT BUYING YOU A DAMN PEN WITH A DAMN FLAG. STOP ASKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S ANNOYING! 

Thank you and have a nice day!
Love... ME



Saturday, May 21, 2011

Saturday Morning Scene

First time linking up with Loves of Life for Saturday Morning scene and a little excited, not gonna lie. 

Here is what my morning looks like: 


Firefighter still sleeping. 

And.... the nectar of life is brewing:

Hopefully we will have a nice and relaxing Saturday. 

Happy weekend! 

Friday, May 20, 2011

Fill in the Blank Friday


1. People are always telling me i look like ..... my sister. we are 13 years apart, but we share a birthday. (December 13th)

2. Friends don't let friends - leave the bathroom with toilet paper on their shoe.

3. A sunny day is perfect for - a day off from work and shopping and grabbing lunch with a friend.

4. My favorite accessory is ... my patent leather Coach purse or Sophie as I lovingly refer to her (it)

5. If i could afford it i would -  quit my job and go back to school full time. Or travel! 

6. the cure for boredom is  ... um... I am at a loss for this one... watching TV. 

7. I am currently in "like" with  - Carrie Bradshaw  

Week from HE**

to say that this was the week from hell is an understatement.

it all started last Friday, the 13th. I was at work last friday until 8:00pm. i was reviewing and sending the bills out to the clients. the new lady made some mistakes that caused me to be there late. additionally we started preparing for a major hearing in a huge case for tuesday. over the weekend i battled major headaches. we had our breakfast with friends on sunday morning at a place called word of mouth. very delicious.

so monday started bright and early, with me arriving at the office at 7:30am. Fearless leader was already in the office when i arrived. so she was working fervently upstairs preparing basically all day. left for the day at 6:00 and therefore no gym! went to mom's for dinner and watched dwts! competition is getting tight!

tuesday - day of hearing in mega case - i arrived again at the bright and early hour of 7:30am. not an eventful day at work but still busy. when fearless leader is in the office we are far more productive and occupied. but tuesday night was my thyroid seminar. omg... learned a lot. i will post on that separately. so there by no gym again. (night of the full moon)

wednesday - typical day for the most part. except that the office was participating in a chili cook off for the local judges. i spent most of the day playing creative director. then we attended the event after work and i didn't get home until 8:00pm. considering that our theme for our table evolved the day before and that we won for best theme i thought it was pretty cool. and i was very proud of myself. after i got home we went to walmart and got a new set of steak knives. so again no gym.

thursday - i was looking forward to a "normal" day, but that was not what i got. fearless leader signed up for a luncheon to go to with associate (my friend c-dawg). but since fearless leader was tied up in mediation all day she couldn't go so that meant that i had to go to the luncheon with associate. i didn't want to go. had to come home and get changed. for some reason when i got home i had a bit of a mental breakdown and started crying. it was a good release that came from no where. i think the lack of sleep and constant busyness finally caught up to me. and then last night was the grey's anatomy finale. went to a friends house and had dinner and vegged and watched the show together. again no gym.

friday - finally able to have a slow and relaxing day. woke up feeling pretty good today. put on a dress felt really good about the way i looked and everything. had lunch at the pizza place next to the movie theatre with the shop owner. he made us fried calamari. it was delicious, but OMG did i have indigestion afterwards. and now my throat is tight from acid reflux... blech. so came home made dinner and firefighter and i started watching baseball games and eventually fell asleep around 730/800.

i am soooo looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow.

phew... typing that was a lot like experiencing it. perhaps the full moon had something to do with it.

i am so looking forward to an uneventful weekend.

happy friday readers!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

What I Love Wednesday


I love watching Grey's Anatomy reruns at lunch time. 

I love cashews. 

I love that I feel like I am going to finally be treated for my autoimmune disease. I never really realized that I was not properly being treated until recently. I was diagnosed with Graves Disease in 2004 and the doctor's treated the underlying thyroid condition but not the autoimmune... very bittersweet. 

I love that I am having a Grey's Anatomy finale party with my girls tomorrow night. (I miss George and Izzie)

I love that roommate is moving out this week hopefully. (Honestly I am going to miss him. He is quite a character.)

I love finding new recipes. 

I love that Firefighter and I cleaned and organized the kitchen and the house over the weekend.

I love that with roommate moving out, we are going to have our house back and that we are going to be able to relax around the house.

What are you loving today?


Friday, May 13, 2011

Hope & Excitement

I am SOOO excited! 

I stumbled upon an advertisement for a FREE Thyroid Seminar in my area. Why am I SO thrilled you ask, well because there has never been a seminar on thyroid issues in my area, and um hello...it's free!!! The seminar is this Tuesday at 6:00pm and my mama is coming with me.  So coincidentally today i was googling thyroid symptoms as I tend to do when i am not feeling 100% and the very first link is for the doctor that is holding the seminar on Tuesday. Totally meant to be right? Like this is a sign for sure. So i investigate... and on the website there is a video on the doctor discussing her opinion on the thyroid and autoimmune diseases, which i had/have (very confusing). What excites me so is that when i listen to her she talks about treating the WHOLE body and not just the thyroid or the symptoms. She talks about the big picture. She talks about doing a whole set of tests that range from your brain to your gut to the unmentionable... ya know what i mean... hopefully these tests aren't astronomically priced because I would LOVE to get them done. This new found information gives me so much hope. SO MUCH! I feel like I am crazy sometimes when i tell the doctors that i feel this way or that way.

a side note... this doctor holding the seminar is a chiropractor. her practice is a chiroptracic wellness center. a friend of mine told me that chiropractor's tend to look at the whole body and base treatment off of that, but she did warn that they also tend to think that they know more then doctor's so i have to be cautious.

i really believe that in order to treat what i have you need to look at the whole body, because it affects/effects (i can never tell these words apart) the entire body. your thyroid does SO much it would be silly not to look at how the treatment is affecting/effecting the entire body. 

So hopefully i will have oodles of info to share on Tuesday. 

YIPPY SKIPPY!!!!!!!!!! 

Happy Weekending!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Changing of the Guard

Firefighter and I were walking through Publix this evening doing some grocery shopping, when a thought popped into my head...he is now my main "go to" guy for all things masculine. It came about while he and i were discussing steaks and whether or not to use marinade or dry rubs. Not something all that complicated or in depth, but none the less, interesting to me... it was at that moment that it occurred to me that Firefighter is now the man that I look to for guidance on things that i would normally look to my dad for. Cooking is a small part of it, but it's a huge realization none the less. Despite the fact that Firefighter and I have been together for quite sometime, I would go to dad for "manly" type things, and in particular cooking and/or fixing things.

The way the thought came out of no where just amazes me. Nothing special prompted it, and now it will be embedded in my mind.  I can no longer seek guidance from dad or his opinion on things or listen to his wisdom or his stories. 

It's like the changing of the guard. Even though I haven't lived at home for quite some time, my dad, was my dad... he looked out for me, he had my best interests at heart. I have brothers that I know do the same thing, but it's different with a significant other.

He is there by choice no familial obligation. He is not bound to me by blood, but by his own decision. It's quite a big deal in my little world.  



why is it that i always seem to feel the most creative or the most inspired when i am at work? what is that about? when i am home and have more time and less chance of getting reprimanded, i am not as productive, in terms of blog posting. i want to be more productive on here and post more interesting things, but for some reason being at work offers some sort of inspiration that my house does not... what the heck???

What I Love Wednesdays

Ok.. in an effort to put myself out there more, I am going to do my best to commit to the weekly What I Love Wednesday posts. This is my first time and I am so excited!!!


i love watching the Tampa Rays games with Firefighter

i love Monday dinners with my mom

i love these dresses from Old Navy


i love our Sunday Breakfast Club

i love having lunch with girlfriends

i love that my brother is coming to visit soon! 

What do you love today?

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

beliefs

I have decided to follow Sweet American Honey's lead and sharing some things I believe in. 


I believe things happen for a reason. 

I believe love conquers all. 

I believe laughter is the BEST medicine.

I believe my father is always with me. 

I believe there are still good hearted people in the world. 

I believe in mental health days. 

I believe in unconditional love.

I believe blood is thicker then water. 

I believe a picture speaks 1000 words.

I believe coffee should be available in an IV.

What do you believe??

Monday, May 9, 2011

illusion

lately, mostly since my friend's father's service, i have been feeling very at peace with dad's passing. when i think of it, i feel nothing. is that good or bad? am i ambivalent or have i accepted it? it's all very confusing. i know there is no right or wrong answer when it comes to how people grieve, but i wish there was a guide. i wish there was a timeline. i wish it were easier. i hate that at this moment i feel like i have accepted it but i know down the line shortly i will have intense waves of emotion and i will wish them away. i just have a hard time knowing what to do with the emotion. for some reason i feel the need to bottle up the emotion rather then express it and let it out. i don't know if firefighter's whole "showing emotion = weakness" mentality has rubbed off on me or if this is how i have always felt.  i have grown accustomed to shoving my feelings down deep inside and putting on a happy face and making the best of the situation. it's a defense mechanism. when i do feel the loss of dad i have strong desires for instant gratification. i am really needing to pay attention to my shopping and watch that i don't spend all of my money. right now it would be so easy to do. buying things and/or stuff would make me feel so much better. but i know that the high i get from buying something is only temporary and that i will eventually crash back down and that the object i purchased is not going to replace my loss. it will only put me more into debt. i have also had the overwhelming urge to stuff my face with anything and everything that  i want and or see. but again, that will solve nothing and only send me back somewhere i am determined not to be again. 

so i guess this is just a false sense of adjustment. it's an illusion. i mean how can anyone have accepted their father's death after only 7 months? it's not been long enough. i can't even begin to imagine what it will be like once i have reached the real stage of adjustment. i long for that day. just so that i can be at peace. i long for my mother's peace as well. she is so tormented and i know at times she blames herself, but there was nothing anyone could have done. it was his time. 

i am already over the illusion of acceptance. i want to do away with the smoke screen and see for real what acceptance and moving on feels/looks like. i know my time will come and that i need patience. it's just so hard, when i so desperately want things back they way they were. 

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Expressions

My favorite expressions are: 

1. Cluster F*** - such a great phrase that can be used for ANY situation. 

2. Shit Pickle - commonly said when a mistake has been made. 

3. Another lap in the lava pool - this is newly acquired from a friend and I plan to use it often.

4. Cool beans - self explanatory

What are your favorite expressions?

Open Wound

It was only 6.5 months after my own father passed that a long time childhood friend lost her father  ("T") prematurely as well. She was robbed of the opportunity, nay the privilege, of saying goodbye or being by his side when he passed. I can't imagine the emotional berating that she is going to put herself through. She has already expressed to me that she feels guilty for not being closer to home. (She is about 2 hours away)

He passed on a Friday morning - just like my dad; he was creamated - just like my dad; his service was 15 days after his death - just like my dad. Both of them had health issues. Both were stubborn and the similarities do not end there. 

My friend is an only child. She has her husband to offer outside comfort and support. I can't imagine not having my siblings there to lean on right now. Her mom is going to be moving in with her and her husband. It will be a challenge for a while, I am sure, but at least they will have each other for support. 

I received the message of her father's passing while I was at work that Friday morning. It chilled me to the bone. She left a hysterical blood curdling message saying her father had passed. I instantly called mom to have her investigate. I was at work and not capable of making the phone call. I put off calling her to offer condolences for a few days. It was too hard. I didn't know what to say. When I did call her the following Wednesday I was able to offer her an glimpse of what life has been like for me the past 6 months. I didn't paint a pretty picture, but rather tried to be as honest as possible. I don't believe in sugar coating things like this, because they aren't meant to be. This is the hard stuff of life and it's better to be prepared. I told her about how this is that part that no one tells you about... how the service is paid for; taking care of your mother; hearing what caused his death; arranging for a funeral. My father's death made me aware of the less then pretty parts of life that we need to be realistic about...funeral arrangements, wills, etc. You also need to be prepared to address outstanding bills and the like. 

This past Saturday was my friend's father's service. I decided it was the right thing to do for me to go. Mom had to work so my oldest brother signed up with no hesitation to attend the service with me. He worked closely with T in our family's business. (*side note - my brother and I wore the EXACT same colored clothes to the service...very strange*) The service was not at a church so it was shorter then dad's. The service paid homage to a man that I vaguely remember. I have few memories of him, but those that I have are good ones. During the service the funeral director went on to elaborate on the father-daughter relationship that my friend and her dad had. I know it's selfish of me, but I couldn't help but feel jealous, and to cry for myself. I do not have such memories of my father. I don't remember him being all that involved in the things that I did growing up. We didn't have a special routine while I was growing up. She was also fortunate enough to have her dad walk her down the aisle. That is something I will never get over. I know I mention it frequently, but it's the one BIG thing I feel robbed of. All through dad's leg issues, I hoped and prayed that he would be able to walk me down the aisle...like each surgery was one step closer to getting it done. At one point of the service the funeral director read this poem and I could have lost it completely, my brother too... It really hit home and spoke to me.

We didn't attend the luncheon afterwards, as it was hosted at a bar that T frequented. Call me crazy, but that didn't seem appropriate.

To say that this opened a wound is putting it mildly. It felt like someone ripped off the still fresh scab of a slowly healing wound and then tried to put it back like nothing happened. When my brother drove me home, we sat in his SUV for a while to recoup, and I literally was taken back to the day dad passed. The world felt different. I felt exposed, vulnerable. While this was a painful experience it allowed me to grieve a little more for my father and I so need to do that. I am not expressing my grief properly for some reason. I haven't cried in a while and I can't seem to.

As I sit here and type this 7 months and 3 days after my father's passing, he still doesn't feel gone to me. Even the death of T doesn't bring the message home. I long for closure and for peace. I long for acceptance and I know it will come eventually, I am impatient for it's arrival. I just want to turn back time and for things to be as they were, before October. 

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

This is a Test

Testing the blogging from email option!

Monday, May 2, 2011

To those I love and those who love me

the following poem was read at my friend's father's memorial service on Satuday. 

When I am gone, release me, let me go
I have so many things to see and do
You mustn't tie yourself to me with tears
Be happy that we had so many years

I gave you my love; you can only guess
How much you gave to me in happiness
I thank you for the love we each have shown
But now it's time I traveled on alone

So grieve for me if grieve you must
Then let your grief be comforted by trust
It's only for a while that we must part
So bless the memories within your heart

I won't be far away, for life goes on
So if you need me, call and I will come
Though you can't see or touch me
I'll be hear
And if you listen with your heart
You will hear
All my love around you, soft and clear

And then when you must come this way alone
I'll greet you with a smile, and
"Welcome Home"
- Anonymous