Monday, February 7, 2011

Words

I always have an urge, a desire to write. I have all these thoughts in my head that I want to get out, but I can't always find the right words. So I tend to think about things and word them in my head, and they never seem to make it out of my head. Vicious circle. I like words, always have. I enjoy learning new words and finding ways to use them. However, I don't have anything all that interesting to write about. 

- I do not have kids. 

- I am not "actively" planning a wedding. 

- I am not a coupon cutter. 

- I don't have any serious obsessions/hobbies. 

- I am not EXCITED about my job. It pays the bills and that is about it right now. 

- I didn't go back to school. I want to go back and I have expressed that on here multiple times. but have yet to go. I still do not know what I want to be when I grow up. I have planned to go back but I almost feel like it would be wasted since I have not committed to a major. 

- I miss my dad. I could write about this all day. Everyday new things pop up that remind me of him, or make me want to call him. At times I think I hear his voice and see him clear as day. It hurts me. It's been 4 months and yet at times it feels like it was yesterday. There are so many things that are going to be adjustments over the next year. There are still milestones we have to reach without him. Mom is on her cruise right now that was supposed to be for their 45th wedding anniversary. It was a gift from my aunt and uncle. She is with my sister. She has never been on a cruise so it's soooo exciting for her. However, when she comes home, there will be a void. She put dad's hospital bed up for sale before she left. It sold and has been taken out of the house while she was gone. I cried a little when I got here and it was gone. It was so much a part of his life for the last few years, he spent a lot of time there since he was in so much pain. Anyway - that is just another example of how things will change.... getting rid of his things slowly. 

- My new thyroid meds are killing me. They are killing my spirit and my love of life. I was afraid this was going to happen, but I wanted to try out the new drug that was out there for my condition. It's basically making me feel like I am a crazy person all the time, I am irritable, I have depressing thoughts, a negative frame of mind and just overall do NOT feel good. This is part of the process though of treating hyperthyroidism. You try meds and get poked to test your blood and adjust the meds, it's a vicious, unrelenting cycle. It's a huge inconvenience to everyday life. My body has aches and pains for no real reason either. But the mental part of it is the hardest to overcome and takes the most work to manage. I have a call into my doctor so we shall see what happens. 

- I have gained some weight, not a lot, but enough to bother me. It's depressing the hell out of me. I was feeling so good and so much enjoying my life and enjoying how I felt and the weight is enough to make some of the clothes I bought feel a little snug. So now I have to recommit myself totally to my diet. I have been a little off lately. I was SOOOO close to my goal and now I have set myself back. Some of the reclaimed weight I am calling "mourning weight" so that I can justify it to myself. I will get there, but I am just discouraged at the moment. It will pass. 

So there you have it..... my word usage for the day! 

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