Saturday, January 15, 2011

Lasts

Written November 13, 2010


With the unexpected death of a loved one you start remembering things you did with them that turned out to be the "last" things you did with them, not knowing they were in fact going to be the last car drive, conversation or phone call... 

We got the news that my father was going to leave us on a Thursday evening and he was gone by Friday morning. Not a lot of time to get in things I wanted to do with him before this day came. Not even enough time to say all the things that I wanted to say to him. I was hoping that I would have had the chance to have some time alone with him so that we could chat. But that never happened...I think too I was afraid to actually have the alone time with him and to say the things I wanted to say, because then it would have been real. It would have been actually happening.

After he passed I had this memory of Christmas last year when we went for a ride together through town. Mom had gone away to visit her family in PA and DE so dad and us kids were left to hang out together. I spent the night and we went for a drive later in the day. It was nice just driving... he loved car rides and while on car rides he would proceed to point out things here and there and tell stories... Closer to the end when he was in a lot of pain he didn't want to go on rides, but preferred to stay home. So sad to think too that his last car ride was to the hospital....

I keep trying to remember other certain things that ended up being the last things and I can't remember them. That bothers me. I want to remember so much more then I do right now, but the sad thing is that most of his life these last few years has been spent in and out of the hospital and/or nursing home type facilities and that is all that I remember...hospitals...nursing homes... UGH!  He had a life before he got sick and sadly those are not the memories that are drifting in and out....

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