Monday, January 24, 2011

New thyroid medicine

Much to my chagrin my new endocrinologist has taken me off of my natural thyroid hormone replacement pills. Natural thyroid, or Armour, is made of naturally desiccated pig thyroid hormones. The main problem is that I can never seem to get balanced. My levels are always all over the place. The damage that causes is problematic and very risky to my health, but I felt pretty good on it when I was balanced. Some of the issues I was dealing with were heart palpitation, insomnia and a seriously increased appetite. So we changed back over to synthetic form of thyroid replacement. We are trying the newest drug on the market for hypothyroidism, Tirosint. Additionally I am also on Cytomel. So far there hasn't been a change that I have noticed, at least nothing significant. Tonight however, as I sit here, my feet feel like they are swollen and my calves feel tight. I am extremely paranoid about the possibility of gaining weight on this medicine. I have lost damn near 50 lbs and I don't want any of that coming back. I have no clothes! Thankfully we are only trying this for a month and if I am not happy I can go back to the Armour. In all honesty I like the idea of my hormone levels being balanced. That is the only plus... I know there are worse things out there... I KNOW THAT, however, this condition is such an inconvenient one and so almost impossible to regulate. OY! Hope to keep track of my conditions if any and any other side effects I feel during the next month. Fingers crossed that I have NO side effects! PEACE OUT! 

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Lasts

Written November 13, 2010


With the unexpected death of a loved one you start remembering things you did with them that turned out to be the "last" things you did with them, not knowing they were in fact going to be the last car drive, conversation or phone call... 

We got the news that my father was going to leave us on a Thursday evening and he was gone by Friday morning. Not a lot of time to get in things I wanted to do with him before this day came. Not even enough time to say all the things that I wanted to say to him. I was hoping that I would have had the chance to have some time alone with him so that we could chat. But that never happened...I think too I was afraid to actually have the alone time with him and to say the things I wanted to say, because then it would have been real. It would have been actually happening.

After he passed I had this memory of Christmas last year when we went for a ride together through town. Mom had gone away to visit her family in PA and DE so dad and us kids were left to hang out together. I spent the night and we went for a drive later in the day. It was nice just driving... he loved car rides and while on car rides he would proceed to point out things here and there and tell stories... Closer to the end when he was in a lot of pain he didn't want to go on rides, but preferred to stay home. So sad to think too that his last car ride was to the hospital....

I keep trying to remember other certain things that ended up being the last things and I can't remember them. That bothers me. I want to remember so much more then I do right now, but the sad thing is that most of his life these last few years has been spent in and out of the hospital and/or nursing home type facilities and that is all that I remember...hospitals...nursing homes... UGH!  He had a life before he got sick and sadly those are not the memories that are drifting in and out....

On hold

I wrote this November 11, 2010 and never posted. I am  going to just put it out there now as is. 


Since my father passed, things have changed... obviously. But for me, I have felt like a priority shift. I am more aware that my life is not what I want it to be and that I am not where I want to be. I am more aware that life is precious and that we don't have a lot of time and that it can be over in a moment's notice. I have stopped the fierce house hunting, mainly because most of the houses in my price range are not local...and I can't move away right now. People always say that you should live each day like it's your last, well how would you do that? You have to work, you need money, so that comment is a bit broad and crazy. 

Life has just seemed to be placed on hold in some regards. You start living day to day and just trying to make it through one day at a time... I know at some point I will be able to move on and accept his death and that it is a part of life, but for now, I want to freeze time and remember every moment, every instance with my family and loved ones. They could be gone tomorrow and I want to make sure that I have lasting memories of them and them of me. 

What I was wearing

I remember what I was wearing when... 
- I signed the paperwork for my FIRST financed car, that incidentally my dad helped me to pick out - 2003 Hyundai Elantra
- the day after Firefighter admitted he had feelings for me
- Firefighter and I kissed for the first time. I remember what he was wearing too!
- Firefighter surprised me with a Christmas tree and decorations that he picked out for our first place together 
- dad was admitted to the hospital the last time
- I realized that we were going to be saying goodbye to dad (it was the moment my brother from Pittsburgh told me he was looking for flights to come down - I was at work)
- the doctor told us the bad news
- dad passed away (i remember what mom was wearing too)
- we held dad's service


It amazes me that I am able to remember what I was wearing for each of these events. It's totally crazy. Needless to say I don't have the clothes from the first few incidents, as they took place years ago, but now whenever I put on the dress I was wearing that I had on the day I realized dad was leaving us, I remember that and the feeling of desperation and angst that I had. I remember sitting in my office and bawling because I knew what was coming and that there was nothing that I could do about it. 

When mom and I took him to the hospital the last time I had gym clothes on. I don't think I ever made it to the gym that night, but I know that is what I was wearing. I remember having Panera for dinner in the ER waiting for him to get admitted. I remember once they got him a room the nurse coming in and out and in and out injecting him with this and that... I remember the poor older gentleman in the bed next to dad that was suffering from dementia and kept calling for his deceased wife. I remember my mother crying when the nurse listed all the issues dad was having. I remember having a knot in my stomach. Not good memories. But most of all, from that night, I remember dad and his general jovial disposition. He never really showed that he was scared. I am sure that he was though. 

I am sure over time these associations of these memories will diminish. Although I am sure I will always remember what I was wearing when we said goodbye. 

Do you remember what you were wearing for any particular life event?