Wednesday, December 21, 2011

I am my father's daughter

There are a number of ways that I am like my father: my sense of humor, my stubbornness and my sense of direction. Unfortunately I happen to inherit some of his health issues as well. I have hypothyroidism as a result of Radioactive Iodine treatment for Hyperthyroidism and Grave's Disease with Hypokalemic periodic paralysis of thyrotoxosis. It's been determined that the thyroid issues come from dad's side of the family.  Dad had a goiter on his thyroid several years ago and it was cutting off his esophagus and had to have the goiter and part of his thyroid removed. He was put on Synthroid for his hormone replacement and that was that. He never investigated and never dug any deeper so he didn't know that surgeries and antibiotics could affect your thyroid function and the medication absorption. But, in his defense, he didn't have the information at his finger tips like I do know. But what bothers me is that the doctors didn't seem to know any of that either. Or if they did, they didn't share it with him. The more I read about my condition the more angry I get at the medical field. Why didn't anyone say to my parents that his thyroid medicine would need to be adjusted after surgeries? Why didn't they say that absorption of the hormone was crucial and that your gut needed to be very healthy? And why don't the doctors offer more guidance then simply giving you a pill? There is so much more to this treating this condition, especially if you have an autoimmune disease, which I do, then simply prescribing a pill. You need to treat the autoimmune disease. And it seems that the Endocrinologists that I go to do not believe in doing that. Never once have they discussed my disease with me. I was diagnosed in 2004 and received RAI in 2005 and I naively thought that cured the Grave's Disease. Man was I wrong. I will have Grave's disease for the rest of my life. It will affect me the rest of my life. I will have to change my life because of this disease. If it wasn't for the internet, I wouldn't know about all of the other aspects of this condition or how to make myself feel better or know what questions to ask the doctors. And the more information that I find out the more angry I get at my dad's doctors for not being more forthcoming with my parents. Now, by no stretch of the imagination do I feel that improving his thyroid treatment would have prolonged his life, but I do think it could have made some sort of impact. 

I am now going to be faced with a major life style change. I think, after doing some reading, that I am going to have to go Gluten free. While there are a plethora of support groups and blogs and cookbooks out there about how to do this, I know myself well enough to know that I am resistant to the change. I know that it will benefit me in the long run and I know that it will make me feel better and improve my life, but I am stubborn, like dad, and a bit lazy, like dad, and I want the quickest fix to the problem, like dad. These are all traits that would frustrate me about my father. I used to say that making the changes would not be that hard, but now that I am in a similar position, it is a lot harder then I anticipated. I wish he was here with me so that we could do it together. At least we could have leaned on each other for support. So I have a new cookbook coming and I am doing more research to see what other goodness I can uncover. 

I hope I can manage to make this change and stick to it, and make my dad proud. Because I know he wouldn't mind me NOT being like him for the sake of my health. 

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Food & Wine Festival Weekend


What a weekend! It started off realxed and stress free and continued throughout the weekend. I couldn’t have asked for a better break from reality and life than this weekend.  Oh and the weather wasn’t all that shabby either.

Friday we left early in the AM for Orlando! We arrived a little bit after 11 or close to 12, parked at Downtown Disney (shhhhh) and hoped onto a resort bus which we knew would get us to a theme park….eventually. And when I say eventually, I mean eventually. I think the trip in total was approximately 30-40 minutes. It was either that or pay $20 to park, which would have eaten into our Food and Wine festival budget… OR go to the hotel and catch their bus and be basically stranded until 5:45 should we decide we want to leave a little early. And as it turns out we did just that. We got to Epcot for the Food and Wine Festival and walked around a bit and sampled about 9 countries. Delicious doesn’t even begin to describe some of the food we chowed down on. There were a few staples that we decided to save for Saturday, like Italy, and others that were just kind of like, “we are here…we are hungry…let’s try it.” One of my FAVORITES surprisingly was the France dish.. it was Coq au Vin. I have never had it before. YUMMY … DELISH… SCRUMPTIOUS and those words do not do it justice. Then of course came the crème brulee…OH EM GEE! Uh… I could have licked the container.There were several countries that I could have lived without tasting, but for the most part, everything was delicious!!!

Coq au Vin - France
Creme Brulee - France


In there interest of not overdoing the pictures, I am only going to post the pictures of the food and countries that I really enjoyed!!

JAPAN - California Roll
 

Ravioli
This was from Argentina - it was delicious
Chocolate Lave cake with Bailey's ganache
We have already decided to plan a group trip for next year! Should be lots of fun!!! It's such a cool experience. 

As always, it was hard to leave... until next year! 


Friday, November 11, 2011

Closing of a chapter

Firefighter has a new job working quasi-full time as a paramedic with a medical transport company. I am so proud of him and so thankful that he is able to use his education. But at the same time, part of me is a little sad. With the new job, means that he is leaving his old job as a movie theater manager, which is the connection to our old life, the life that brought us together. For so long the movie theater was a part of our lives. We met there, worked together, worked apart, and made friends there, friends that we still have. It's going to be so incredibly weird once that chapter in our story comes to a close. It's an important chapter, since it brought us together. One of my greatest fears has been that our connection to the theater was the only thing holding us together, like it was the only thing we had in common. But as time goes on and the more and more distance comes between us and the memories of the theater, it becomes clear that the theater was only the catalyst that brought us together, it's not WHO we are. It's where we met. 

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Early Bird Mini Shopping Spree

So I have been such a good girl lately and not buying a lot of stuff for myself or the house or anything. 

I mean hello... haven't been to Target, a weakness of mine, for almost 3 months I think. Very impressive if I do say so myself ... and I do! 

SOOOO this morning my sister and I went on a little early shopping trip to Kohls. I had a coupon in the mail and well, I need new work clothes... I am so bored with the current clothes in my wardrobe! 

So I picked up a few tops and a little Welcome sign, with SUNFLOWERS!!! (swoon) for the house. AND... as a bonus, I got a anti-stress sinus pillow that can be microwaved for when I get my massive and almost debilitating headaches. I can't wait to see if it works!! 

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I never do this, but thought I'd share the loveliness that I got for myself this morning! 

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Friday, October 28, 2011

A Lesson Learned

I decided to go back to school this semester and decided that taking online classes would be the best thing for me since I work a full time job. 

WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING??? 

I am definitely one of those people that benefits from the "in the classroom" experience. Especially considering the classes that I decided to take... 

International Relations ... via a virtual class... seriously dumb idea on this girl's part. I have a hard enough time following basic politics, let alone Foreign issues... forget about it. It's all so confusing. I read the book but the material goes over my head a little and makes me feel like my brain is mush. And I want to understand what is going on in the world and the issues and all that jazz! I do have to admit that I like the way that the teacher has set the class up online. Every Monday at noon the test is due or the posts for the discussion boards are due then. There is a consistency. AND... I have to write a paper that is 12-15 pages...double spaced. It sounds so scary! We had to pick a topic that involves international issues. I decided on immgration and NAFTA. Immigration is something that i have a strong opinion about so I think it will be a more fruitful venture for me.

Intro to Environmental Studies...not so complicated...however, I do not care for how the teacher has the class set up. There is no set day for things to be done.  One thing that has infuriated me is the fact that the professor made it mandatory to have a textbook, but I haven't touched it once! He uses power points and prepared notes. But the schedule isn't set. You literally have to log onto the virtual classroom EVERY SINGLE DAY to make sure that you do not miss anything. And what is more frustrating is that he doesn't pre-post deadlines. ARGH! AND... I have to write a paper for this class as well. The teacher gave us a list of topics to choose from on this one, and I chose smoking/non-smoking and the effects on the body. It's turned out to be interesting considering mom smoked, dad smoked and we have friends that smoke. Reading about emphysema and COPD is really hitting home, considering that part of dad's health issues were linked to smoking. 

But I digress... 

Next semester I plan on taking classes that will be IN THE CLASSROOM! I need that interaction with the teacher and the feedback and opinions of the other students. I have registered for a class called Religion in America. It sounds really interesting, and considering that I am not a religious person, it should be interesting. But I think that is part of the reason that I want to take it. Maybe it will help me to get in touch with a part of me that I haven't been in touch with for years. 

Anyway - I am glad that I made the decision to go back to school. It's definitely challenging me, in good and bad ways. It's forcing me to use my brain and parts of it that I haven't used in a long time. I use my brain on a daily basis, but it's become such monotonous crap that it doesn't seem to be too challenging, not to mention that I don't care to really expend my brain power on the subject of my job. It's not something that I want to understand. 

I know it will all pay off in the end...even though I have my moments when I am frustrated and wanting to pull my hair out. I want to to be an educated person and I so enjoy learning! 

An adult?? Who?? ME?!?!?

When I was growing up, I knew I would be the age that I am now, but never had any idea what that life would look like. Now that I am this age, and feel like I am still in high school, I have moments when I can't believe I am in my thirties already. Where did it go? The fact that I am walking around a house without my parents being here is kind of cool. Even though, I am the one who is responsible to take care of the house now, which kind of sucks honestly, it's still a great feeling to know that I am not dependent on anyone. Then I start to think about all the things that adults get to do, I start to feel a sense of anxiety and panic. The idea that I am old enough to  even consider buying a house, or having kids, makes me think to myself, "how did that happen" and "when I did I become the adult?" It's such a strange reality to me. It's so incredibly hard to believe that I am no longer a "kid". I am an adult.

ME... an adult!!!! ACK!

Despite being an adult *gulp*, I often feel like I am treated as though I am still the kid in the room who doesn't get it. It's as though people around me are talking above my head or beyond my realm of understanding. I feel like people dance around issues in front of me... like they are trying to protect me. I do not need protection. I am an adult... treat me like one!

Am I the only one that feels this way?

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Let the games begin!!!

Crunch time is coming! I have 2 papers due, both relatively close to each other in due dates and I am just really starting them now. Sadly, I am one of those people that works better under pressure. My brain seems to function and find words easier when put to the test. This is not a quality of mine that I cherish or gloat about. It's a quality that I loathe in fact. I would much rather prefer the ability to pace myself, to find a groove and go with it. Not me, I like to do things the hard way. 

To add to the frustration of writing these papers I am going to have the added stress of firefighter taking his test in Halloween for a county position as a firemedic. The anxiety and trepidation are all too familiar. The hoping and putting the eggs in one basket is something I do far too easily. I constantly tell myself NOT to do that, but it happens, I do it! Eggs are in the basket... and you know what, it's a pretty freakin' basket. It's not too big, not too small, it's white with some of that pretty Easter basket grass stuff and nice big purple bow. With a basket so appealing, how could I not put my eggs in there?? But i digress...I want the waiting and the anxiety to be over with. I so wish that it was one of those tests where you take it and know right then and there if you are hired or not. Well that's not how this works... He takes one test, then another test and then there is an interview. Hoop jumping is what it sounds like to me. I don't like hoops. 

Life is starting to pick up it's pace too, like it always does at the end of the year. So now in addition to all of this fun stuff, I have to sneak shopping in somewhere for Christmas gifts. And it's gonna be hard... I haven't stepped foot in a Target or Kohls or Old Navy in MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!! (Squeal.. GO ME!!!!) 

So I have my game face and big girl panties on... let's do this people! 

Peace out!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Welcome fall!

I am so in love with the weather right now. It makes me want to drink buckets of coffee and eat warm foods and be with family. It's also an indicator that the holidays are around the corner. While I am not exactly thrilled with how quickly time is flying, I do so love the holidays. It's a time for traditions, family, good food and friends.
I wish it looked like this where I am. It's so beautiful!   

Fall Fun Lovely Autumn


Saturday, October 15, 2011

I just can't

Yesterday I had a moment when I whole heartedly missed my father's voice. I can hear what I remember it to sound like in my head and it's so clear it makes me think he is still here. But I know he isn't. I could feel the tears welling up and since I was at work, I couldn't let them free flow. It really sucks that most of the times I think about him are times when it's inconvenient to cry... at work, out to dinner or at parties. There never seems to be a time when I think of him I am either not alone or even just with family. And oddly enough when I am with my mother and she is talking to me about her memories and her grief and she starts to cry it doesn't prompt me to cry. What is that?

I need to cry. I need to get it out and I just can't.

freely creative

is it possible for a house to make you feel mentally blocked? i tend to feel like i am most creative when i am not at my own house. i feel more expressive when i am out and about. right now I am sitting at the library and should be studying, but i am writing this instead.. hee hee. but my point is just that i feel like i can really think here and other places and i can't do that at home. is it because i don't like my house? is it because there is a great deal of stress attached to it since it's always needing attention? i guess it makes sense. but that doesn't make it any less frustrating. i would love be able to have the thoughts that i have here and at work when i am at home. it would be far more efficient. but efficient is boring right?!! HA! 

where do you all write/create the best?

p.s. and as i sit here... i wish i brought my camera with me. shucks!

p.p.s. next time, i shouldn't sit near the window :) 

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Silverlake Home Pros & Cons: A List

Pros
  • We own the house - it would be OURS!!!! 
  • We would be almost grown ups! 
  • Room for a family
  • Good layout
  • More storage
  • More room - our current house is ABOUT 1000 square feet. The new house is 1951 sq feet. That's almost doubling in size... OH EM GEE! 
  • 2 car garage - now we have a car port 
  • We aren't under Firefighter's parent's thumb anymore
  • It's a newer house, therefore it's more energy efficient and won't leak AC. 
  • We can install fans! 
  • We can put holes in the walls... not a huge deal to most people, but since the walls in the current house are made out of plaster we can't hang pictures in the traditional way. Thank goodness for command hooks. 
  • We can have people over more then 2 at a time for dinner! 
  • I won't be ashamed of the house.
  • We can change it how ever we want... knock down walls, paint, rip up floors... WHATEVER WE WANT!!!!
  • There is a dishwasher - WE DON'T HAVE ONE NOW.... can I just say UGH!!!
  • Location is quiet and peaceful - there are cows in the backyard! COWS!! MOO!!!
  • There is a porch ... we can eat outside if we wanted to! 
  • I will finally feel like I have a home, something I can be proud of! I am not proud of the house we are in now and have never been able to feel like I can call it my own.. I don't like that I feel like I have to ask permission to paint it or anything.
  • The development has really come along... it's a lot more family friendly and cleaner. 
  • We get to GO SHOPPING!!!!!!!!!!! We get to buy fun home decor thingys, and by we I mean ME! Firefighter could almost care less. He has made a request of no floral decor items and I can live with that... I am not a floral decor person. I do like fresh flowers, but I digress. 
  • I think I would be happier there... I think the surrounding area, the peace and quiet, will relax me a bit more.
  • Close to an up and coming area, which means that it could increase home value. I have a Kohls, Super Target, Old Navy and Sports Authority withing a 10 minute drive... AWESOMENESS!!!!!!!!!!
  • We can grow into the house. I can see a family there! 
Cons 
  • We own it.... if it breaks WE have to fix it (not our "landlords")
  • We have a mortgage payment that we can't miss
  • Farther away from work, deal with more traffic which leads to...
  • Spending more on gas. 
  • Adding Buster to the homeowner's insurance concerns me based on his breed. But he is like 13 years old and he has arthritis so I am not sure that he would be a threat, but he has a vicious bark. 
  • Farther away from bowling alley - affects Firefighter more then me.
  • We would have to replace the carpet and the fridge - at least on the current house that we are eyeing! The carpet is NAS-TY! I should post a picture!
  • We have to furnish more rooms... not right away, but eventually. 
  • We have discussed having a roommate. It would be purely for financial gain and a change to save some money. 
  • The house has been abandoned for two years... could there be things that we don't know about? We have to wait to have the inspection until it appears we are going to close. 
  • We have to go shopping... we have additional rooms to furnish... which means additional money to spend... oy. 
  • The kitchen sink is WHITE and the rest of the appliances are black, so that should be replaced. Nothing that has to be done right away, but should be addressed.


Sunday, October 2, 2011

My Happy Place: Disney Movies

I am 31, almost 32 and I LOVE Disney movies and I am not afraid to admit it. They are my happy place. They help me leave the realms of reality for a little bit and remember what it's like to be a kid.... as we speak, or type, I am watching "Tangled". It's a newer movie and I so enjoy it. I prefer the classically animated Disney movies as opposed to the Pixar movies. Nothing against Pixar, but the classics are what I was raised on. 


My favorites include: Finding Nemo, The Lion King, Monsters, Inc., Alice in Wonderland, Beauty and the Beast, Snow White, Sword in the Stone, The Little Mermaid, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Mary Poppins and Bedknobs and Broomsticks... 



I fully intend to attempt to collect as many of the classics as I can for my children. I try to buy them as they come out, or at least that is what I would like to do! 

Stream of Consciousness Sunday: Unknown Expectations


I have been meaning to start linking back up for weeks now.... and today I did it! YAY!!!!!!

I put people on pedestals... why do I do that? I make people I like out to be these perfect humans that never make mistakes. They also judge everything I do...or at least that is what I fear. This has proven to be somewhat of an issue for me because I tend to censor what I say and things that I do in front of certain people, because I don't want look stupid or have them see me in any kind of negative light. When these people do things that I find to be wrong or strange, it really shakes my whole perception of them to the core. Why do I do this? I know no one is perfect and I know that it's not the best thing to put people on pedestals... how can I expect them to live up to unknown expectations? It's not fair. Plus they do not have to do anything to please me. They do not have to live by my expectations. I often find that the people I do this too, are the people that I would most  like to emulate in my life in some way or they have qualities I wish I possessed. I need to just realize that we are all different and that while there are things about them I would like to have, there are things about them, that I am sure I would not like, things that I don't see. No one is perfect no matter how hard people try to will others into perfection. And I know what it's like to be put on a pedestal... I have a friend that had me on one, and let me just say it isn't fair to do that to someone. I have flaws and I have a hard enough time pleasing my parents, and myself, let alone a friend. Of course there are a few expectations that friends can have of each other that like returning phone calls and being there when you need them... but there needs to be room for error... we are humans, we make mistakes. 

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This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…
  • Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
  • Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
  • Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
  • Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
  • Link up your post below.
  • Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.

I think it's Fall, but I live in Florida so it could be a glitch

OMG.... the weather this morning is awesome! If only I lived in a place where the leaves changed and looked like this.... then I would know for sure that it was fall. The problem with Florida is how fickle it is here. One minute it's cold and the next minute it could be hot again! I wish I lived somewhere, where the seasons were more definitive. Here the seasons flow together and are almost indistinguishable. Well, except for summer.... we can tell when it's summer. It gets freaking hot as hell during the summer time. 


I love the change of season... and this is one of my favorite times of the year. I was born and raised in Florida, but I am by no means a Florida girl. I would much rather live somewhere where it isn't blistering hot all the time. I don't find Florida to be a beautiful place to live. I prefer to look at trees and mountains and leaves that change colors... I would like to see snow once and a while. 

One thing I love about the change in weather is the change I feel... I feel more energized... more alive. That is huge. The heat sucks the life out of me...one reason I hate living in Florida. I can't wait until the weather change is during the day and not just in the mornings and evenings...then I can open the windows and turn off the AC! It means snuggling under blankets and hot chocolate and maybe once in a while... having backyard fire pits! WOO HOO!

Fall is ALMOST here!


Saturday, October 1, 2011

One year/365 days

It sounds like a long time but it really isn't. 

That's how long it's been since I last saw you, since I heard your voice, since I said goodbye.

My days are filled with mundane, trivial nonsense that has become old habit. 

I wake up, drink my coffee and go on about my day. Seconds turn into minutes which turn into hours and before we know it, evening calls and I prepare to do it all over again. Hard to believe that thoughts of a lost loved one can go by the wayside when the days consist of such hum-drum redundancy. 

But that is what's happened... 

Not a day goes by that I do not have at least a fleeting thought about my father, but it's the quality of the thought that I find disturbing, as well as the quickness of it. I'll be going along and then I will see his face or hear his voice and that is when reality butts in and shoves him aside. Now, please do not think I want to think of him every second of every day, but I often wonder if my inability to focus on the fact that he is gone, is what is postponing my grieving and acceptance. 

When I do think of my father, my thoughts are often quick glimpses of his final days in the hospital - his final words to me. I deeply cherish what I remember, however, I wish I had more flashes of him out of the hospital. It's a sad reality to accept though - dad was in/out of the hospital for so long that it's hard to remember him not being there. I long to remember some of the conversations we had over the years...his words of wisdom or even his perverse jokes. 

My father's death was my first significant loss. I have lost all of my grandparents, but sadly, I was not close enough to them for their passing to have a significant impact on me the way my dad's passing has had on me. But dad was well... dad. He's half the reason I am here. He was an everyday fixture in my life. He told me stories of his past and his growing up and his neighborhoods. He gave me advice on all kinds of things from cooking, to cars, to fixing things around the house. He made me laugh and made me feel special and loved.

The disbelief is still ever present in my day to day thoughts about my dad. I still can not believe that he is no longer around. I still feel his presence when I go to my parent's house. He had such a large presence and personality that it's almost palpable. I am constantly expecting him to just appear as if from nowhere.

But that isn't going to happen...

So on this date every year my family and I will remember my Papa Bear. Together we will look back, share memories, share stories, and he will live again. The arrival of this date will always have an impact. No matter how much time passes, this date will always be looked at with heavy hearts and saddened eyes. 

Thursday, September 29, 2011

A glimpse of history.... 3 minutes in the making

Last night was an incredible night for Major League Baseball! There is no one word in the dictionary that accurately reflect the sheer weight of the games played last night. It was so awesome to watch, even though I kept trying to go to bed. It seemed like every time I closed my eyes Firefighter was in the other room getting loud! So I decided to just stay up... And boy am I glad that I did! What a freaking adrenaline rush! 

 We had changed the channel because the score was 7-0 and it wasn't looking good for our Rays. Oh ye of little faith.

Thank goodness for Twitter. As I was sitting in bed, I was looking over my feed, when a post struck my eye stating that the Rays had tied up the game. I leaped out of bed and ran and told Firefighter to put on the game! Well... after that we were glued. We started flipping back and forth between the Yankees-Rays game and the Red Sox-Orioles game and getting excited and sitting on the edge of our seats... SO INTENSE!!!! 

We managed to see both historic moments. We watched as Carl Crawford (you remember him right) miss the ball and not make the play in time. Then we flipped to see EVAN LONGORIA's game winning home run! The picture below sums it all up! 


We stayed up and watched a little of the post game coverage on ESPN and the interviews by Todd Kalas. It was too exciting to go to bed. Then of course Sports Center was on first thing this morning! What slays me is that it seems that the commentators were more interested in the fall of the Red Sox then the rise of the Rays. They focused more on the bad then the good. We are a Cinderella story here people... acknowledge it! 

(Via Tampa Tribune)




The Red Sox were the anticipated Wild Card team for the AL East Division... but they aren't the Wild Card team... The underestimated Tampa Bay Rays are! The performance of the Rays in the month of September is absolutely amazing! It seems even their own fans are scratching their heads going "What did we just do??? Did that just happen? Yes, YES IT DID!

(Via Tampa Tribune)

  
(Via Tampa Tribune)
WAY TO GO TAMPA BAY RAYS, YOU DESERVE THIS !!!!!!!!!!!





Monday, September 26, 2011

Routine

Last I checked when I looked in the mirror I was 31 years old... almost 32. But to listen to me talk at times, you would think I was about 80. I have noticed that of late, I have become very attached to my routine. It seems to have become my crutch. Like most people, I have my way of doing things and have my preferences.

Right now my day looks as follows: 

get up
go to work
gym...if i am lucky
publix - if necessary
dinner
homework
bed

IN THAT ORDER!

It can never be messed with.
 I hate when my plan gets disrupted.
 I have absolutely no problem adjusting said schedule as long as I know in advance.
So much for being spontaneous.
Weekends of course are up for grabs. Anything goes! 
I am too young to have such an old mentality about the day to day. 
I don't even have kids and I crave this structure. 
Can you IMAGINE the nut case I am going to be when I become a mother??? 
OMG... LOOK OUT!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

So behind

Firefighter was in a parade on September 11 and I have yet to post anything.

Losing points....

I am going to do it and soon I hope!!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

hurry up .... and wait

Well we made the offer on the house.

And now we wait! 

I hate waiting. 

I wish we could just say yes or no and be done with it. 

in my mind i have moved in, painted and bought new furniture. 

i don't want to become more invested. 

i want to know if i should continue to dream or let it go. 

 there is a part of me that is seriously paranoid and scared to death thinking , what happens IF we get this house? then what? we can not longer rely on our "landlords" to pay for the big things. that will become our responsibility. can we afford this? are we ready? that is when the nausea starts. i want to throw up when i think about it at times. i am so incredibly nervous about this next step. the responsibility. the liability.  

i feel like this will hurl us into adulthood. it's a step that needs to be taken. we have been behaving like children for far too long. 

in the same breath however, i am looking forward to having people over and having dinner parties. being able to invite my family over. having more space. owning something. taking a house and making it our own. i imagine painting the kitchen a light shade of yellow and one day buying a white, round table for the "breakfast" area. then get a square or rectangular table for the dining area. 

i don't know how people make it through this process looking at multiple houses. i would want to pull my hair out. i am already ready to kill someone and it's the first and only house so far that we have put an offer on. i can't even imagine what the closing process and all that is going to be like. it's going to be crazy. 

let's hope this process doesn't make me bald and give me an ulcer. 

peace out.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Last night I went on a Journey with a Foreigner who was a Night Ranger

OMG last night was amazing!!! It was sooo much fun!!! 

I am having a hard time figuring out where to start this post for some reason. Probably, because I am not all that awake. 

So we arrived at the Amphitheater last night at 7 and I am pretty certain we missed the opening act. Night Ranger was on stage when we arrived. Sadly both C and I didn't really know ANY of their songs, EXCEPT for Sister Christian and they played that last, of course.

Foreigner came on next. We were surprised by the songs they sang that we didn't KNOW Foreigner sang. It was great... I came home and downloaded all the songs they performed. During the slow, love type songs, people were up and dancing in the aisle or at their seats. And one point we looked around and people had their cell phones in the air with the lights on... they are the lighters of the future. They put on a great show. They did a lot of guitar solos and a few sax solos... totally awesome. I texted my brother throughout their set  and he too was ashamed of his "shallow" knowledge of their songs. I told him I wanted to call him during the guitar solo, because he is a fan, so he called. It was so cliche... I was holding my phone in the air so he could hear... HAHA! Their songs really took me back... it made me feel young again. Great feeling!!!! 


Journey was last... save the best for last I always say. This was my first Journey concert, so I was expecting the original band, but I was told that the lead singer, Steve Perry, was no longer with them. The guy they got to replace him totally sounded just like him. They found this guy by searching Youtube for cover bands... and the rest is history... Kind of like the movie "Rockstar" with Mark Wahlberg isn't it?!?!? 

So they started off strong... with a classic... then they would intertwine new songs, that I couldn't determine if I liked them or not. The crowd made it obvious too... they would sit down during the new songs and they were still like statutes. But when a classic song came on we would JUMP to our feet and scream and dance.
We stayed until "Don't Stop Believin" came on. Such a great song!!! The crowd was electrifying!!  When we left, there were couples "dirty dancing" in the aisles. And they were like older... it was freaky.  

 

There was a real eclectic group of people at the concert. Older people, middle aged people, tweens and some younger kids. I mentioned to C that the young ones are probably thinking that they are singing "Don't stop believin" because it was on Glee. Instead of the other way around. So tragic! But in the same sense it's great that they are being exposed to classics. 

We got so lucky to be handed these tickets...that's right they were FREE!!!! Hopefully we can get to go to another concert! 

Had a great time... Really miss 80's music and being a kid! 

Alright, I have to do some homework... unfortunately! 

Friday, September 16, 2011

Thursday, September 15, 2011

My cup is full! I am saying WHEN!!!!

I am tired. Just plain exhausted. I feel like I am being pulled in all different directions. Work, school, keeping up the house, and trying to get the new house. All of this in addition to having some kind of life. I feel so overwhelmed.

I love Firefighter but I am so annoyed with him right now. Mainly in regards to the house we are looking at. He wants to do things one way and when I tell him how things are going to happen or what the mortgage broker and realtor says he goes off on these fits of what he wants them to know. I have told him multiple times that he should call them and talk to them. I asked him to call the attorney for the seller and make the offer and he didn't. It ended up back on me. So frustrating!!! Why can't he do that? I am starting to feel like the man. I do not way to be the man. I way to be the woman.

I am getting more responsibility at work. I do nit want it. I want out. I am going to school to get my AA and then my teaching degree! I do not like working for lawyers. They are like adult children. I already have to take care of my own house and Aaron, I do not appreciate taking care if them. I do not know how working women do it with children.

This is when I have doubts about how good of a wife/mother I am going to be. I give working moms so much credit. And those who are going to school too...OMG!!!! I am not the best house keeper. I want to be better but sometimes it's so overwhelming and it never ends. And Firefighter doesn't always help me.

I could go on and on ... But I am super sleepy and ready for bed.

Night night

Ps - first post from blogger app on touch. Only complaint is that the keyboard doesn't rotate.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

8/21/11

Since my dad has passed I have had days where he seems ever present. On 8/21/11 he seemed more present than I have ever experienced. 

On that particular morning, I woke up at 7am. Not too unusual for a Saturday for me. I got up, went onto the couch and feel back to sleep. What happened next is difficult to articulate. 

I was dreaming about dad and a family trip I believe. I kept trying to reach him, but he was ALWAYS out of reach. I would start to cry in the dream and the weight of the emotion or something WOKE ME UP! I fell back to sleep but this occurred 2 more times. Insanity! 

I talked to my mom and she had a dad day also. While at work she was returning to her desk and she had her radio set to her favorite station and no sooner did she sit down, then their song came on.. Lou Rawls "You'll Never Find". OMG! She admitted she had a hard time composing herself but managed to finish out the day. 

Later that evening I went to a Thirty-One party at a friend's house and she had the radio station playing through her TV set to 70's music. I was there maybe 10 minutes and the Lou Rawls song came on. 

At that point it was like OK Dad ... we get it! 

Funny how some days he is more present then others. He is always with me though, but that day in particular he was quite an attention hog!  Hee hee!


Here it is .... my mom and dad's song! 

Love you guys! 

Fun Photo Day

Firefighter and I found an abandoned train by our house, so he came along with me while I took some pics! Here are some of the fruits of our, mainly my, labor.



During our outing it became obvious that the abandoned boxcars were serving as shelter, places to sleep for some people. We came across a pile of clothes and a make shift bed in one of the cars. Harsh reality, but reality just the same. 





I am so excited and pleased with the way most of the photos came out! 
Hope you enjoy! 

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

obsessively preoccupied

so to say that i am a little preoccupied with the idea of getting this house, would in fact, be an understatement. at times it's all that i think about. 

it consumes me,my every thought at times. 

i dream about it. 

i envision getting furniture, getting appliances, having dinner parties and just being able to entertain (something i long to do for my family). 

i am not proud of it, but it's the truth. 

i want that house. it's a great layout and i can see us living there. i can see it clearly. of course i have had other visions that haven't come to fruition, but nonetheless that doesn't mean that i stop believing does it? no. 

some days i let myself go and i allow my imagination to run wild and other days i have reality check moments where i have to subconsciously smack myself and be like, "hey you... yea you... it may not happen so you need to take a chill pill". (Yes that is how i talk to myself). I don't like letting myself get too far gone, because , then in my mind it becomes a reality and if it doesn't become an actual reality, i will be heartbroken. and that would be no bueno. 

ho hum.... i wish this were an easier process. but why would we want to do anything the easy way? what fun would that be. 

(P.s. As i write this i am currently at home dealing with a leaking hot water heater. i have notified my "landlord' and have been advised to "call someone". um... i did call someone, i called MY LANDLORD. and it's instances like these that slap me with a stinging taste of reality. if i owned this house, this would be my problem, not theirs. am i ready for that? oh boy!)

Learning How to Own a Home

WOW! That is all that I can say really. 

It's overwhelming the amount of information that is out there for first time home owner's. Anyone who is looking into buying a house, should seriously consider taking a first time home owner's class. It's a real experience. And one of the best things in the world in order to educate people on all aspects of buying a house. The class we are taking didn't just focus on the home buying process. There was also some financial planning in there as well. But it is all connected. Having a good financial plan, makes the dream of owning a home more attainable. 

Some tidbits we learned about:
* mortgage insurance - this kind of insurance compensates the lender in the event there is a default on the mortgage. Our teacher also indicated that it's quite common for home owners with small children to purchase this insurance to cover the loan on the house in the event one of them dies. Our instructor suggested getting a life insurance policy for the amount of the loan as opposed to going the mortgage insurance route. 

* we learned about the short sale process. Once a home owner misses 3 months of mortgage payments a lis pendens, a lien, is placed on the property and the short sale process has begun. At this point the equity in the house is gone and the pre-foreclosure process is started. Short sales are very harmful for the home owners. If you go 3 months without paying for your mortgage, you, as the owner of the house, get a 200 point ding to your credit that lasts 4 years. However, if you stay in the house for 18 months without making payments you get a 400 point ding to your credit that lasts 10 years!!!!!! The short sale process means that while the home owner can have some say in the sale of the house, the bank also has to be involved in the decision about who is buying the house.

* most people know about the 3 major credit reporting agencies (CRAs): Equifax, Experian and Transunion. Did you know that each of these agencies have contracts with different retailers? Interesting huh? And did you know that the credit card companies pay attention to the things that you buy? For instance if you go to a pawn shop and shop there regularly, your credit is affected negatively? On the flip side if you purchase bird seed, it's good for your credit. Fascinating huh? Additionally, the credit card companies pay attention to how often you use certain cards and what you use them for. If you have a card that you use to make big purchases one at a time and then you start using it for everyday items, the credit card company will assume that you are perhaps unemployed and are more likely to raise your interest rate!!! Craziness right?!?!? One last thing for this, if you use your credit card on a regular basis, it's best to keep it below 35% of the total credit limit. Doing this should not negatively impact your credit. Lastly, for the record... the type of credit card you have, i.e. Visa or Best Buy store card, does not affect your credit score.  

* there are several types of loans out there that are available for home buyers. it's highly recommended that you go with a fixed rate mortgage. it makes so much sense. while the home owners insurance and taxes may change and fluxuate during the life of your mortgage, but if you get a fixed rate mortgage, the interest rate will not change. there are some loan types out there that are real head scratchers, i.e. interest only, balloon payment loans. they just don't make any sense. 

* when signing a mortgage, make sure there isn't a prepayment penalty clause. these are fees that you will be charged if you pay off the mortgage too early. 

* one of the best ways to pay off the mortgage quicker is to make bi-weekly automatic mortgage payments. this can shave 5 years off of your loan. you can also send extra money to be applied to the principal separate and apart from your normally scheduled mortgage payments. 

* you should set aside 1% of the sales price of the house annually for general upkeep and maintenance of the house. 

* two websites to check out: bankrate.com - this will allow you to look at different scenarios, mortgage calculators, and amortization schedules; cnn.com - has a debt reduction planner that will allow you to run scenarios. 

* keep a spending journal - what you bought, how much you spent and how you paid for it. 

The class that we are taking is offered through Goodwill. I am not sure if this is a national program or not, but I am sure that there are other classes out there across the county. 

And believe it or not, there is more to learn tomorrow night. I am sooooo excited! 

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Resurgence of Excitement!!

It is so incredibly fantastic to be excited about something. I haven't been excited about anything in such a long time.

We have the slim possibility of getting a house... exciting, nerve wracking, overwhelming, the list of emotions goes on and on.

I am going back to school... YIPPY!!!! What could be more exciting? Other then getting the house or getting married or having a baby.... yea school is up there for me. I will have my AA in 5 short classes. I have registered for a science class and a literature class. The science class is an environmental science class and the literature class is a women's lit class. I looked up one of the syllabus' online and it's a little daunting. But daunting in a good way. Daunting in the I am looking forward to expanding my horizons and maybe these books will inspire me kind of way. The books that are on the syllabus for the lit class are books that I have never heard of before so naturally I googled them. One of the books, The Italian by Anne Radcliffe, sounds interesting. The others sound a little meh... like I could take them or leave them. I am nervous, however, about how I manage my time. The science class is a web based class. I have never taken an online class before and I am apprehensive about my work ethic and the fact that how well I do in that class is entirely on my shoulders. I can't blame the teacher for not explaining something thoroughly enough. Hopefully I will be able to maintain a decent GPA. My last attempt at school in 2008 I made the dean's list. Not that hard to do with one class, but still I was proud of myself. 

I am honestly so excited about buying new school supplies...pens, notebooks, a school bag for the one class that I have at an actual campus. Do you think it would be totally justifiable to get a brand new vera bradley tote for school? I do... maybe!

In particular this one:

Or this one:

I really like the patterns. I will have to check them out in the store. 

Ooooh..... I am getting goosebumps!!!!