I don't know what has happened between Sunday and today, but the flood gates have opened. I seem to be able to drop a tear in a mere snap of the fingers.
Monday was my birthday.... my first birthday without my father here. It hurts. My heart aches and I can feel it breaking when I think about it. I know he would have called me and wished me a happy birthday and I really would like to hear his voice about now. Conversely, Firefighter did NOT call me on my birthday. This has caused me much heartache and I am not sure as to why exactly. He put a "happy birthday' on my fb page, but nothing more. No elaboration. He didn't come with me to Missouri, so therefore he was NOT stuck in the airport with me on Monday. It's bothering me that I am bothered that he didn't call... in the same breath, I feel that after the length of time we have been together a phone call is deserved. He did however text me about my present. He got me a birthday/christmas present. I am generally against these as a rule of thumb. So my mind starts wandering and I being to think of all the things it could be... a new watch, a camera bag, etc. Let's just say that it wasn't anything that I would have wanted. Nothing that I even hinted at. He got me a new generation 8gb Ipod touch. Now, I do not want to sound ungrateful as I know this was a pricey gift, however, I don't want to keep it. He and I were talking on the phone today and he asked me what was wrong with the old Ipod touch (which was found on a cruise ship courtesy of FF's brother, FSU student). Even he wasn't sure what was wrong with the Ipod touch I had currently, which makes me wonder why he bought it in the first place. I think a lot of my detachment for this gift is that it isn't what I was really, really hoping it would be.... an engagement ring. I talked to my bro - Pittsburgh - and he advised to speak up and have it returned. I am on the fence. I am going to have to talk with firefighter and come to a decision. Part of me knows he was excited about giving me this gift, but I think it's because it's something he wants me to have. And this moment right here is an example of something I don't like about myself. I feel greedy and selfish and like I am ungrateful, or that is how I am going to be perceived for saying that I do not want to keep the GIFT he gave me. I don't know...
And so to sum up this wonderfully emotional day, my mother, sister and I are having dinner at Olive Garden in honor of me and my sister's birthday. Something that I am currently looking forward to and dreading at the same time.