Friday, October 29, 2010

untitled

there is so much i want to say and at the same breath i feel like i have nothing to say. 

my father is gone and i can't get the feeling that it is a dream to go away. i can't grasp it or understand it. looking at recent pictures makes it harder because he didn't look sick. we all knew he had issues, but it happened so fast.... it wasn't cancer or anything either.... and i am heartbroken for my mother...i wish i could wrap her in my arms and carry her with me everywhere. 

you know death is a part of life and you hear about it happening to other people, but that doesn't always make it real. it's happened to me, i have lost someone and yet the concept escapes me. how can he be gone when he was just here a minute ago? that is the sensation i walk around with all day. 
i can't wait for this month to end. time is dragging and the days seem longer. it doesn't help that the time is getting ready to change. i am indifferent about the coming up holidays as well...how is that going to feel? 

i wish we had had more time.... 

Friday, October 22, 2010

change of plans

So, Firefighter and I went and looked at a house in North Port last Sunday (I will post pics over the weekend). And I am not going to lie, I liked it and could almost see us living there.

However..... I don't think it's the right time right now.  It's too soon.

I can't even begin to imagine being that far from my family right now. It's just not something I would be 100% invested in. Not to mention when I asked Firefighter if he saw us living there, he was like, meh. Well... I am sure as hell not going to move away if his response to that question is meh and I have anxiety about it.

We do seem to have a reprieve though. The house is a foreclosure and there is a moratorium going on right now for foreclosures. SOOOO.... if this house falls into the moratorium and comes out in say 6 or more months, maybe we will feel differently. Who knows.

And believe me no one has wanted to get out of where we live more then me.... but I have to be realistic here. 

I don't like my job enough to commute therefore I would want to find another job down there and then I fear that I would essentially make myself a hermit there and not visit my family. 

it's too soon after dad passed. 

it's not close to my family at all. 

and neither of us was 100% confident that we could see ourselves living there. 

So those reasons make me think that it's best to stay put for a little while longer and just make the best of this crap situation we are in right now. 

ugh.... i hate being an adult sometimes.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Friends vs. Family

I have the hardest time in the world trying to decide whether or not to spend time with friends when my family is also doing things as well. Firefighter doesn't have the same strong family connection to his family that I have with mine. They have never been close. It breaks my heart too, because family is sooo important. 

Firefighter wants to go out and about this Sunday and get our Halloween costumes, but my mom's friend is in town and they are going to Cheesecake Factory, along with my sister. And while part of me feels obligated to go, mainly because of my mother, I don't think I really want to go. Sadly, I do not care for her friend very much at all. 

I seem to run into this moral dilemma quite frequently. Firefighter is closer to his friends then to his family, so I in turn have started spending more time with our friends then my family. And I get teased about it by my family as well. They refer to me as the gypsy or the social butterfly. I laugh it off, but at times it bothers me. I want to spend time with my family but I also want to do things with my friends as well. I have never really been popular or had my presence requested by those outside of my family, so it's nice in a way. But then I feel like I am letting my family down. I hate feeling like I am in this tug of war. 

Generally I try to stick with the rule that whatever event or happening I hear about or am invited to first that is the function I will attend.

OY!! The guilt....  

Is it just me or does anyone else feel that way??? 

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Out of State Relatives

Why is it that we only tend to see those relatives that live out of state at times of extreme joy, i.e. a wedding, or times of extreme sadness, i.e. a death? Having just been through this it really makes me wonder. 

The thought that is crossing my mind is why is it that  out of state family will come and mourn a person's death but not necessarily come and enjoy their life? This to me just shows that in this society we do not put enough emphasis on the people in our lives. Granted I understand that we all get preoccupied with our own lives and happenings, but we should make time for those special people we call family members. In this day and age there are far too many ways to "see" those who live far away without having to leave your own house.

Life is too short to not see your loved ones on a more consistent basis. We need to remember that family is more important then anything! Blood is thicker then water after all...

Family is what makes us who we are...they are what shapes us! 

(C - not directed at you! love and miss you bunches)

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Quotes I like

"All endings are also beginnings." - Mitch Albom

"The hardest part of moving forward, is not looking back." - smilesaregolden-tumblr

"Death ends a life, not a relationship." - Mitch Albom

"Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone, and do not be troubled about the future for it has not yet come. Live in the present and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering." - Ida Scott Taylor

"Laugh as much as you breathe, love as long as live." - Anonymous

Monday, October 11, 2010

surreality

It's been over a week and i still can't quite grasp the fact that my father is no longer with us. I can't fully understand that he has passed away. It is the weirdest kind of reality. It's surreality. I see him and hear him everywhere. 

It's less real when I am not at my parent's house. When I am there, I can hear his voice more distinctly and see him more clearly.  It's freaky to have this visual of him that isn't tangible. At times I feel like I can reach out and touch him, but it's an illusion. When I am at work or home it's a figment of my imagination. It's like an obscure thought that I am having and waiting for it to pass. But then a small dose of reality trickles in and I realize that this isn't something I can wish away.  It's real and it's happening and I am powerless.

I think part of the reason it hasn't sunk in is because we haven't had a funeral or service yet. That will be taking place this Saturday at our church. I think then, maybe, some sort of reality will strike and maybe I will realize that he is really gone.  Today is Monday and I already have knots in my stomach about that day. It's going to be a sad day... a day that I was not prepared for and am still not fully prepared for.


RIP Dad 10/19/44 - 10/01/10

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Dad....

Sadly, my father passed away Friday October 1, 2010 at 8:15 am. 

Needless to say the series of events that led to this was a complete shock. It still feels like he is in the hospital and I can go visit him... so surreal.... 

RIP Papa Bear. I love you and miss you more then words can say!! You will be in my heart forever!!