Friday, September 17, 2010

silver lining

I wish that I was able to write a more positive post, but this week's events have been anything but positive. It has been an emotional roller coaster full of tears and heartbreak. And to say that this week dragged, is an understatement. It crept along at a tortoise pace or a snails pace, whichever is slowest. I am ridiculously happy that it is finally Friday.

I mentioned in a previous post that we found out that my father had to lose his left leg. We knew it was coming for a while, but it still stung when the new was actually broken to us. We had a date set for it to take place Tuesday, Sept. 21. However, due to a series of events it was moved up to this passed Wednesday. 

I spent the night at my parent's house Tuesday night to be with my mother, who is taking this very, very hard. Neither of us really slept that night. Which, is a first for me. Over the last 7 years dad has been in the hospital more times then I can count on one hand. Each time he has surgery I get nervous, and only after I find out that he has made it through can I breathe a sigh of relief. Since he had escalated health issues on this particular trip, I was increasingly concerned. But, as always, he pulled through.

I have to give him credit, given the hand he has been recently dealt he is in great spirits. I wonder if it's a front at times, but if it is, he is very convincing.  His attitude and ability to joke about basically everything is infectious. I feel better because I know that he is good with what is going on. Not his preference naturally, but he has accepted it. He has come to terms with it and that has made it easier for me to grasp. Granted, a lot of the obstacles we have faced over the last 7 years have been caused by him and things he did in his past, but you can't go back and undo them. You have to deal with the hand you get dealt.

The silver lining in this situation is that he will not be in any more pain. He was in such a great amount of pain that for the last month or better he hardly left the house.  That is no way to live. Also, the doctors are pretty confident that we may have taken care of the problem now and that we shouldn't have any more of these flare ups anytime soon. Comforting... but I will remain a little cynical I am sure. After all that we have been through with dad, it's hard to trust a doctor's word anymore. 

I can't help however, to feel guilty at times. If I let myself think about it, as I tend to do with things, I can't help but think that each step I take, is a step he won't be able to take. I have legs, and he doesn't. It isn't fair. I am so much more aware of things that I can do, that he can no longer do. I know there are prosthetics out there, and God willing we can get him a good pair. 

I am selfish. I want him to get better so he can walk, so he can drive... I want him to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. 

Sorry for the depressing post. I must say that at times it's nice to just be able to put things out there to the world for strangers to read. It's very freeing! 


  1. So sorry about your dad. Hope things cheer up for you and that he will be OK.

  2. wow. i'm so sorry girl. what a hard thing to go through. he's lucky to have such a loving daughter that feels so deeply for him.