Wednesday, June 9, 2010

When I grow up

When I was younger I wanted to be a lawyer, because my brother wanted to be a lawyer. I wanted a BMW because he wanted one. I don’t recall that I ever had something that “I wanted to be when I grew up”. Now it is biting me in the ass. I didn’t go to a university. I attempted community college, and I didn’t finish it. I have no clue what I want to be, when I grow up. Although, I am already considered a grown up. When I think about the things that I enjoy doing, cooking and entertaining, it makes me wonder if I have always been destined to be a housewife/stay at home mom. Believe me, there is NOTHING wrong with that and it is a life that I think I would be quite content with, however there are days when I wonder if I want more. I want to be able to be around for my children and watch them grow and experience their first steps, their first tooth, their first word, and all the other firsts they will have to experience. I work for two very head strong, passionate, partial feminists. It makes me feel inadequate when I think about the fact that I would rather stay at home and tend to my family then be in the working world. It’s such a difficult decision for some women to make, to have to choose: their career or their family. It’s not a fair choice or position for ANYONE to be in.

Deep down I do want to go to school. I enjoy learning and surrounding myself with smart people. I feel smarter by extension. In regards to my family, my sister didn’t go to college, but both of my brothers did. And I wonder to myself, how come they were able to tough it out? I have so many interests and that poses another problem. One thing that I really think I would enjoy is child psychology or something involved in child development. I think I have ADD that has never been diagnosed. It is really hard for me to really focus and concentrate on anything for an extensive period of time. When my guy was in school, it really inspired me to go back to school, but I didn’t follow through. I went through the motions and looked at schools and career fields, and it seemed overwhelming and I guess I basically got scared and dropped it. Not to mention that there isn’t anything out there that I LOVE enough or feel that I could stick with long enough to have student loans. That is a lot of money. My parents didn’t have the ability to stash money for me for a college fund, like A’s parents did, which is why he was able to go to school. Not to mention that the way I would like to do school I can’t really do right now. I would prefer to quit working and focus on school full time. But I can’t do that I have a job that I need.

I feel inadequate because I don’t have a college education. I feel like there is so much about the world that I am oblivious to because I missed out on a college education. I feel like there is something missing in my life. I know there is time and it’s not too late, but I have doubts about how much I want it!

1 comment:

  1. college is overrated.
    been there.
    done that.
    don't ever want to do it again.