Thursday, January 7, 2010

Adulthood

At what point to you start to officially become an adult? When do you start to feel like an adult? Or look like an adult?

I am thirty years old and I do not feel like I am an adult. I have all the responsibilities that an adult has, paying bills. cleaning up after oneself, laundry, dishes.....etc. In one breath I feel like I am old and then in the same breath I feel like I am still 18. What is the deal?? I wish I could figure this out. I do not like straddling the fence on this particular matter. Having this scatterbrained mentality gives the false illusion of time. I feel like I have all of this time. Time to go to school, get married, start a family, etc. But in reality I don't have as much time as I think I do.


After high school I got a job and attempted college. At said job I met my current boyfriend. College didn't quite work for me, I was undecided. Then somehow I put school aside, focused on my job and relationship. Then I left that job and started another one, no more school, still with my guy. We aren't married and we don't have any children. We both seemed to have gotten lost in our jobs and life and before we knew it time slipped away.


Thankfully, my guy found something he wants to do, something other then this customer service related job he currently holds. He went to school and is now done. He can now start a career. While this is so great for him, I feel left behind. I am still lost, still wandering. I feel stuck in a job that I don't enjoy, a job that I don't want (and in these times I feel grateful to even have a job). I would love to be able to go back to school full time. Financially, I would need to get grants, loans, etc. something to get me through it, as I don't make enough to cover the costs. Additionally we can't afford for me to quit my current job and go back full time. The thought of going back to school though, scares me. I am afraid of so many things. Failure, perception, and that I will inevitably change my mind and again lose interest and stop going. I don't want to be an uneducated person, or perceived as such. I am a smart young woman.


I don't know when I became so afraid of ....life. Which is why one of my resolutions is to take more risks.


It's quite ironic that I so desperately, at times, want to be taken seriously and treated like an adult, yet in the same breath, I long for the ease and simplicity of being a child. I want all the perks of being an adult (doing what I want when I want, having my own money to buy my own things, etc.) with none of the actual "adult" parts. I don't want to HAVE to work or pay bills. I don't want to HAVE to be responsible at times. I hate that I feel this way, but I do. It's not something that I am necessarily proud of, but the truth none the less. Sadly I really do see the world with rose colored glasses most of the time, and in my case that seems to be the rule not the exception.


I look at my friends who are married and have children and envy them. I want what they have, a family. Yet, at times I feel like I am not ready for all of that. How do I become ready? Does it just happen? One day you wake up and BAM....you get it...you're an adult. I often think that when I have a child or get married, that my inconsistent feelings will leave me and I will nestle in with the idea that I am an adult. No longer teetering in my imagination on my place in the world.



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