Thursday, January 28, 2010

Ride alongs

My guy is finishing up paramedic school. He is essentially done, but today he has to do one more ride along in order to be officially graduated. YAY!!!

This is the part of his future career that I hate to love. My mom has always told me that absences makes the heart grow fonder. If that is the case, then when he is a permanent firemedic I will have a very fonder heart. Hee hee! I miss him when he is gone for 24 straight hours. But is it bad that I also seem to enjoy his absence? I get the living room tv to myself, I can have the thermostat on whatever I want.... I never lived on my own, and when he is gone for the day I get to see what it's like to live by myself, with pets. And honestly, it's a little fun! Plus I need to enjoy this now, before we have kids. Once we have kids there will be no more of JUST me time when he is at work.

But of course...I do miss him and not being able to talk to him at all during the day. Sometimes he texts me when he can...at night he is good about saying goodnight. But, at this moment, as I am typing this, I miss him. And it's good that I miss him. It makes the homecoming so much better. :)



Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Identity crisis

I am having a bit of an identity crisis. I can't decide what layout I like the best. I like this one because it's more adult, more sophisticated and that is how I am feeling at the moment...more adult. But I am sure that will change. Please bear with me and my blog schizophrenia.

Thank you!

home sweet home....almost

With the recent almost home purchasing endeavour still fresh in my mind I often wonder what makes a house a home.

We are currently renting from my guy's parents, and yes they make us pay rent. I hate this house. It's too small. I don't feel like I can really make this house MY home. Even though I didn't set foot in a house at all. I merely looked at them online...I felt like I was more at home there then here in this house. I saw life when I looked at those photos. I could see myself in the kitchen cooking and Aaron sitting on the couch watching TV. I could see a future there. I cant' here. I saw dinner parties, meatball Sundays, family dinners. I can't do that here. Our rooms are so small and our furniture is so big. I know it's a bit naive to plan so much without even setting foot in the house. I am hopeful.

Not to mention that getting out of this house would really benefit me. I don't like that I don't like this house or that I can't take any interest in this house. It's kind of sad that I was more attached to a virtual house then the one that I live in. I live here. I call it home. But it doesn't "feel" like home.

So... what makes a house a home?



Sunday, January 24, 2010

uninspired

I am so disappointed in myself. I wanted to do far more with my camera, but I don't even really have a desire to touch it. I get frustrated with the pictures that I do take, they aren't steady. I have terribly shaky hands. It's awful. I am just so uninspired to even get out and take pictures of anything at all. I look at the pictures of my flickr friends and get so incredibly jealous that they are able to take normal everyday things and make them look, extraordinary, special. I guess I am also impatient that I can't seem to get a grasp on the lighting concepts and stuff. I think that I understand it and then I take a picture and it looks awful. I also fail to remember that I don't have the same photo editing software that my flickr friends have or the lenses that they have. I would love to be able to buy a new lens and think that perhaps would motivate me, but I would probably just end up taking pictures of my poo animals and that would probably be about it, or other random things around my house. Another thing that is blocking me is the lack of "nature" around me. Everything seems to have died in light of the freeze we had some time ago. I have never seen red leaves in Florida, it's so odd. And while you would think that, that alone would be inspiring....it hasn't been. I am just so blah when it comes to wanting to take pictures. I do get lucky shots, but I don't want lucky shots.... Ho hum! What to do?!?!?

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Is it hot in here or is it my thyroid?

I so hate having this thyroid condition that I have. It's not exactly a pain in the ass. It's a struggle almost everyday. Everyday I feel different. You don't realize how important the little gland in your neck is until it starts to get a mind of it's own. One day I am hot, the next day I am cold. One day I am swollen, the next day I am not. One day I am calm and levelheaded, and the next day I am irrational. My skin and nails are dry. I lose hair. Sometimes I ache and other days I am fine.

Though my doctor has assured me that fertility shouldn't be of concern, I am nervous about the ability to have children. I am afraid of the weight that I am going to gain and what is going to happen to my body. I am afraid that I am not going to be able to be the best mother that I can be because of this condition.

The medicines that I was taking at first, Synthroid, made me feel bloated and I moved slow and felt like my head was in the clouds. I felt like I have dementia or something. I forget things quickly regardless of how important it is. At times I felt like an 80 year old trapped in a 30 year old body. Then I was put on Armour Thyroid, a natural dessicated hormone created out of porcine thyroid. Yes..PIG thyroid. And it worked tremendously. Almost instantly I felt more human. My brain was less foggy and I was able to do more physical activities, like go to the gym...YAY!!! I made the switch in June of 2008. Starting last year there were rumors circulating about the potential discontinuation of the Armour thyroid due to the fact that the FDA hasn't approved the natural dessicated hormone. I didn't want to believe it, because it was too upsetting, too hard to believe. Now I am out of my drugs. For two weeks I am going to be out of these drugs. Even thinking about going back to Synthroid for 2 weeks, makes me want to cry. I can't believe that pharmaceutical companies are so greedy and selfish to prevent people from taking a medicine from making them feel better. Thankfully, Canada makes a reasonable facsimile of the Armour thyroid that I am taking. It's going to take 2 weeks for me to get the pills. I don't want to be off meds for two weeks, but I also don't want to spend the money on the Synthroid when I am going to hate it and since it would only be for 2 weeks. I am excited about starting the Canada drugs, I have heard good things from some online support websites that I have joined.

It's amazing to me the number of people out there that are affected by bad thyroids, and yet it seems to be something that people aren't aware of. It's also surprising me how many people are on the natural thyroid. Most of the people that I have come in contact with on the website, are on Armour thyroid or another natural thyroid. And sadly, my thyroid medicine is not the only one that is in short supply. So many people are suffering at the hands of the FDA, and they don't care. It's a sad state of affairs.

One of the things that slays me is the lack of control that I have. I can't ever stop taking a pill to make me who I am. I will always need it. I can't make it go away or go into remission, it will always be there. I can adjust my eating and exercise to make sure that I am in the best health. I take a multi-vitamin, Calcium + Vitamin D, Ginko Biloba, Super B Complex, and Potassium supplements on a daily basis. It's like I need to take them, they help keep me, well.... me. I long for the days when I didn't wonder if my mood was based on whether or not my dosage is off, but simply because I didn't get enough sleep or had a fight.

And my boyfriend....he is a victim in all of this. He listens to my rants and deals with my roller coaster mood swings. He knows that it's not me. Thank goodness!!!

I am not the right person to have this condition. At times I don't feel strong enough or determined enough. I know what needs to be done to keep me healthier but I don't always do it. I self sabotage, constantly. Not sure what that is about.

Anyway - I would like a thyroid transplant. Mine is dead and still in my neck. I would like to take it out, bury it in the back yard and get a new one please. Is that too much to ask?!?! I don't think so!!!







Friday, January 22, 2010

boo hoo

The house is under contract. We can't even get in to look at it. Oy! Things happen for a reason. Right? Things can change, maybe this will fall through, but I think we are going to have to wait months to find out. I am not sure. The dream was nice, for a little while.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

nervous

I might get to see the house this weekend. So nervous....is this really happening! I can't believe it!!!

Reality....

I think reality may be setting in and I am starting to realize that this house may be out of our grasp. It saddens me. It's the perfect opportunity. I can't gush enough about how perfect the scenario would have been. I still intend to look at it and try to get pre-approved. I am going to have to do that in order for there to be closure for me should we not get the house. Otherwise I will always wonder, always dream of the house that should have been ours. Plus going forward and taking the risk, will tell us if it is indeed meant to be. I really hope that it is.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

House

I think we have found a house. It may have landed in our laps. It's a short sale and that is a little tricky and I am not too sure if we can definitely afford it, need to do a budget, but I would like to try and get it. We haven't really been saving for this, so that is why I am nervous. It's 4 bedroom, 2 bath, dishwasher, 2 car garage, garden tub, dining room, kitchen nook, living room...did I mention the garden tub!?!?! *GRIN*

It would be a great starter house. And so does Aaron. Of course I am sure that it has someth
ing to do with the fact that friends would be living right next door! We have already started talking about the shared pool and a tunnel connecting the houses! Hee hee!!

I am starting to get ideas for the house. I have been looking at paint samples, furniture, and all that stuff. I am getting a little too attached and obsessive. And something that definitely makes me nervous is that we haven't looked at other houses. I mean, none at all!!

Here is the house:

I want this house and I am working on the numbers to see what we have to do to be able to afford it. There are so many questions that I have. How much is enough to have left over once all the bills have been paid? what is a good mortgage company? how many lenders do you attempt?
do i get a FHA loan or use a private lender? can we get first time home owner's assistance for a short sale? The house is a short sale, did I mention that? I am so scared, so nervous....and I am sure that is all part of the process. It's buying a house, it's not buying a soda.

My guy is on board so that is a good thing. I was worried that he really wouldn't be. He always made it sound like our first house was going to be our last house as well. And while that is all well and good, a first house would be a great stepping stone for us to get into the next, better house, that would be our last house. He has such a grand plan at times, I wonder if he is being totally realistic.

It's just too good of an opportunity to not take the risk and try to get the house I think.

*Fingers are crossed*


Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Work.....

I am so ready to start a family and have kids. I am ready for the next step.

I am tired of having to answer to someone else. I am tired of the petty things that are asked of me. I am asked to do things that I feel are things I shouldn't be asked to do. I mean I am there to do office work for the office, not for you personally. I am not a personal assistant and that is how I feel at times. I hate that I have to monitor the trash and the dishes and clean up after everyone, I do that at home and quite frankly that is enough for me. I want to be able to come and go as I please and not have to deal with the clients and their crap. I am tired of a working in a field where I feel uneducated and stupid. This isn't where I want to be.

I don't know if this is real exhaustion talking or if I need a vacation. I really do think that I need a vacation. And I mean a nice loooooong vacation where I do nothing but sleep and rest. I am so tired all of the time, and I am tired of being tired.

I really think I need a vacation!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Adulthood

At what point to you start to officially become an adult? When do you start to feel like an adult? Or look like an adult?

I am thirty years old and I do not feel like I am an adult. I have all the responsibilities that an adult has, paying bills. cleaning up after oneself, laundry, dishes.....etc. In one breath I feel like I am old and then in the same breath I feel like I am still 18. What is the deal?? I wish I could figure this out. I do not like straddling the fence on this particular matter. Having this scatterbrained mentality gives the false illusion of time. I feel like I have all of this time. Time to go to school, get married, start a family, etc. But in reality I don't have as much time as I think I do.


After high school I got a job and attempted college. At said job I met my current boyfriend. College didn't quite work for me, I was undecided. Then somehow I put school aside, focused on my job and relationship. Then I left that job and started another one, no more school, still with my guy. We aren't married and we don't have any children. We both seemed to have gotten lost in our jobs and life and before we knew it time slipped away.


Thankfully, my guy found something he wants to do, something other then this customer service related job he currently holds. He went to school and is now done. He can now start a career. While this is so great for him, I feel left behind. I am still lost, still wandering. I feel stuck in a job that I don't enjoy, a job that I don't want (and in these times I feel grateful to even have a job). I would love to be able to go back to school full time. Financially, I would need to get grants, loans, etc. something to get me through it, as I don't make enough to cover the costs. Additionally we can't afford for me to quit my current job and go back full time. The thought of going back to school though, scares me. I am afraid of so many things. Failure, perception, and that I will inevitably change my mind and again lose interest and stop going. I don't want to be an uneducated person, or perceived as such. I am a smart young woman.


I don't know when I became so afraid of ....life. Which is why one of my resolutions is to take more risks.


It's quite ironic that I so desperately, at times, want to be taken seriously and treated like an adult, yet in the same breath, I long for the ease and simplicity of being a child. I want all the perks of being an adult (doing what I want when I want, having my own money to buy my own things, etc.) with none of the actual "adult" parts. I don't want to HAVE to work or pay bills. I don't want to HAVE to be responsible at times. I hate that I feel this way, but I do. It's not something that I am necessarily proud of, but the truth none the less. Sadly I really do see the world with rose colored glasses most of the time, and in my case that seems to be the rule not the exception.


I look at my friends who are married and have children and envy them. I want what they have, a family. Yet, at times I feel like I am not ready for all of that. How do I become ready? Does it just happen? One day you wake up and BAM....you get it...you're an adult. I often think that when I have a child or get married, that my inconsistent feelings will leave me and I will nestle in with the idea that I am an adult. No longer teetering in my imagination on my place in the world.



Monday, January 4, 2010

Addendum to Resolutions

11. I also need to be more festive. I have lost my umph for decorating at Christmas time. I used to get so excited and so involved and now I have lost it. I am not sure where it went, but I need to find it again.

12. I want to be a better friend. I am horrible at talking on the phone. I prefer to send emails and text messages, ya know the real "personal" way to communicate. And the funny thing is that I truly believe that texting, emailing, etc. is very impersonal. HA!

13. I need to be more decisive. I am a habitual fence sitter about almost EVERYTHING!!! It is one of the things that I hate the most about myself.

14. Take responsibility for my faults. I am lazy, I am a slob and there is no one to clean up after myself, other then me.