Thursday, December 30, 2010

2010

I have so much to say and then nothing to say at the same time. This has been a defining year in my little world. Good things and bad things have happened.

Despite the good things that happened, I am not at all sad to see this year end.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Addiction

Hello, my name is Alicia and I am a book-a-holic! 

It's true. I have this serious addiction to books. I have a shelf at home that has about 20 or so books on it that I NEED to read. I always tell myself that I am NOT going to buy another one until I read what I have. And then..... I go to a book store..... and well, I buy a book, or 2 if they are discounted. I also seem to get suckered into buying magazines whilst at book stores as well. Of late I have become a creature of perusing the clearance racks. They often have good books that are between $3-$5. Have to admit that Books a Million has the best clearance section ... EVER.

Observation...all the major bookstores have names that start with B. Did you ever notice that?? Barnes and Noble, Borders and Books a Million.  Fascinating right? Ha ha!!! I know... I have such wonderfully fascinating insights.

I need to make it one of my resolutions to read more and watch TV less. I have gotten better. Part of me would really like to do away with the TV in my room. I know it disrupts the REM sleep cycle. 

Happy reading! Got any good recommendations?

Monday, December 20, 2010

Traditions

I want to start traditions. 

I love traditions. I strongly believe traditions are a part of what keeps families alive and together. We have lots of traditions in my family that I love and look forward to following once I have a family of my own. 

For Easter, mom makes easter bread, SO GOOD! She also makes spaghetti pie, ricotta pie, and we have salami and hard boiled eggs. I know it sounds strange but it's SOOOO GOOD!!!

We have cookouts for Memorial day, Fourth of July and Labor day. My brother, teacher, has a party every 4th of July. 

My favorite traditions happen in the fall/winter. Thanksgiving and Christmas have the best traditions. Mom makes Italian wedding soup ONLY on Christmas day. OMG... it's soooo good. We have lots and lots of cookies. Mom also makes these things called pizzelles. They are like snowflake cookies. So delicious! 

I am anxious to start traditions of our own, firefighter and I. Lately we have been going to breakfast on Sundays, that's more of a ritual not a tradition. It would be good if we could agree to do something and follow through though. We say we are going to do things and do not always do them. We have this thing about follow through that we aren't great with. Firefighter bought a bike and it's been weeks since he's been on it. He bought a weight bench and that is in the attic. Of course we are on VERY limited space at the moment, but I digress. 

I try to start traditions, but it's hard to stick with them at times, because firefighter seems resistant at times. Please do not think badly of him. His family life wasn't the greatest so I think he just stopped paying attention to those kinds of things. 

What traditions have you started on your own? What are your favorite family traditions?

a few pics from missouri






Weight lifted

So this journey that Firefighter has been on going to school and all that jazz has been a long and trying one. He has had ups and downs and a few set backs here and there, but he has persevered. He has not given up or accepted less. He had a mindset and he did it. I truly admire him for that and look up to him. And right now he is currently in his ideal situation... he is a firemedic volunteering for the county he wanted to get into. How could things be more right? 

Having said all that, I am so excited to say that he has taken his final test. Last Thursday he passed his State of Florida Paramedic certification test. And to make it sweeter, it was his third and LAST possible attempt to take and pass the test. Had he not, he would have had to retake paramedic school ALL over again. Not a scenario that would have pleased us, but we would have dealt with it. I personally think he had an angel sitting on his shoulder that day! (Thanks daddy!)

So what happens now? Well we have to wait and see. Hopefully the county he works with will have a hiring opportunity available soon and he will be able to apply. From our understanding they are going to start hiring from within the volunteer pool versus looking to outsiders first. And ya know, that is only fair. 

It hasn't really sunk in yet for him that he is done with his testing. He tells me that he keeps having this feeling that he has to study and then when he thinks more he realizes, wait, no I don't. Unfortunately I didn't get to see him on Thursday to enjoy the moment with him. He had to get to training after the test and didn't get home until after 10pm. We went out Friday night to celebrate my birthday and his passing the test. Good times were had!!! 

I can't wait for the opportunities that are going to present themselves now. And all I can say is that I am thankful this enormous weight has been lifted from our shoulders.

POOF!

You know what is so incredibly infuriating? Having a thought for a post and then not having anywhere to write it down and then .................. POOF it's gone. This happens to me all too often.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Sad day

I don't know what has happened between Sunday and today, but the flood gates have opened. I seem to be able to drop a tear in a mere snap of the fingers. 

Monday was my birthday.... my first birthday without my father here. It hurts. My heart aches and I can feel it breaking when I think about it. I know he would have called me and wished me a happy birthday and I really would like to hear his voice about now. Conversely, Firefighter did NOT call me on my birthday. This has caused me much heartache and I am not sure as to why exactly. He put a "happy birthday' on my fb page, but nothing more. No elaboration. He didn't come with me to Missouri, so therefore he was NOT stuck in the airport with me on Monday. It's bothering me that I am bothered that he didn't call... in the same breath, I feel that after the length of time we have been together a phone call is deserved. He did however text me about my present. He got me a birthday/christmas present. I am generally against these as a rule of thumb. So my mind starts wandering and I being to think of all the things it could be... a new watch, a camera bag, etc. Let's just say that it wasn't anything that I would have wanted. Nothing that I even hinted at. He got me a new generation 8gb Ipod touch. Now, I do not want to sound ungrateful as I know this was a pricey gift, however, I don't want to keep it. He and I were talking on the phone today and he asked me what was wrong with the old Ipod touch (which was found on a cruise ship courtesy of FF's brother, FSU student). Even he wasn't sure what was wrong with the Ipod touch I had currently, which makes me wonder why he bought it in the first place. I think a lot of my detachment for this gift is that it isn't what I was really, really hoping it would be.... an engagement ring. I talked to my bro - Pittsburgh - and he advised to speak up and have it returned. I am on the fence. I am going to have to talk with firefighter and come to a decision. Part of me knows he was excited about giving me this gift, but I think it's because it's something he wants me to have. And this moment right here is an example of something I don't like about myself. I feel greedy and selfish and like I am ungrateful, or that is how I am going to be perceived for saying that I do not want to keep the GIFT he gave me. I don't know... 

And so to sum up this wonderfully emotional day, my mother, sister and I are having dinner at Olive Garden in honor of me and my sister's birthday.  Something that I am currently looking forward to and dreading at the same time. 

OY!

Monday, December 13, 2010

random quotes

there are only two ways to live your life
one is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as everything is a miracle
 - albert einstein

love doesn't make the world go round. love is what makes the ride worthwhile. 
- franklin p. jones

what lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you.
-ralph waldo emerson

happy birthday to me

So I am sitting in the airport waiting to board the plane to come home from Springfield, Missouri. Our plane was, notice i said was, set to take off 3:30pm and we are still here. It's 8:45, Missouri time. The plane leaving from St. Pete JUST left and they are anticipated to arrive  here at about 10:45. Which has us leaving here at about 11:30-ish, therefore arriving home about 2am. Oh and it's my birthday.... I turned 31 today. It hasn't felt like my birthday all day. i actually forgot about it. i forgot about it's arrival... i just put it out of my mind. so the plane had a communication device malfunction that needed to be repaired, so that is the reason for the delay. 

So... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!! And my sister... we are born on the same date, and 13 years apart. 


UPDATE: after posting this, i was sung happy birthday to by the people waiting with me at the gate at the suggestion of a lady we met this evening. an unforgettable evening. 

Monday, November 29, 2010

Long Weekend Festivities

Happy Belated Thanksgiving! I hope all (who read this) had a great Thanksgiving. Ours was, nice. There was an obvious void, but we enjoyed it all the same. Every year, in the past we would go around the table and say what we are thankful for, and needless to say at this time we aren't thankful for much. But I digress.... 

My long weekend started out with a trip to the movies to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 on Wednesday night. What can I say... it...was...A W E S O M E!!!!! Firefighter and I along with our North Port buddies went together. It was fun. I also was reading the book. I was about 90% done when we saw the movie. I have to say that they did a good job staying true to the book and while I am impatient, I see why 2 movies was necessary. There is a lot to cover. I finished the book on Thursday before dinner.... can't wait for June or July... I don't recall at the moment when the next one comes out.

After the movie I went and spent the night at mom's to help with preparations for dinner the next day. Both of us seemed to have a hard time sleeping. We were both up at 530 and then again at 7am, so we got started early. It was a real treat being able to help with the food and preparing the bird and stuffing... YUMMY!!! It's a lot of work. I give her a lot of credit she does it every year and doesn't complain.  So after a bit, I went home, showered and tended to the animals then went back over for dinner. After dinner we discussed our plan for Black Friday and then went home. 

Black Friday.... we, my sister, J, her husband, F, started at 5am at Wal-Mart. My brother,P, had already been to Target at 4am when he met us there. I got a steam mop for $36 and a safe for $20, which Firefighter has advised me is not very fireproof though the box states that it is.... so we may be returning it. I also got some rubbermaid tupperware and a new down pillow. Black Friday is ALWAYS so hard for me... it becomes the what can i get for me shopping trip. Not good but it's the truth. After WalMart we hit Kohls, then went and got mom, my niece, D, and my nephew, W and all met at Panera for breakfast. This year was my niece, D's first Black Friday experience. She enjoyed it. After breakfast we went to Target, Best Buy, Bealls, and then we had to bring Firefighter lunch. After that we grabbed lunch then hit the mall. That was our last stop. After that we all went home and I think it was about 3pm. LONG DAY!!!!!! I got home, I think I took a nap.... then went to my sisters for left overs and we watched The Polar Express. Such a good movie. 

Saturday - mom, J (sister) and I went to the movies. We went and saw Burlesque with Cher and Christina Aguilera. It was a great movie. Mom really enjoyed it and that is all that mattered. After the movie, mom and I went to her house and hung out for a bit. My oldest nephew, C, came over and helped get the decorations down. He brought me home and then Firefighter and I and our North Port buddies went to a hockey game, Lightning vs. Panthers. Because of a friend of Firefighter we were 6 rows from the ice!!! AWESOME!!!! I also got a free scarf and he got a tee shirt. YAY!!!

Sunday - Firefighter and I went to breakfast at First Watch, then ran some errands. He apparently wants to start a tradition now that we go to breakfast every Sunday. I like it but lets see how long it lasts. We hit Home Depot, Target, Best Buy and Sam's. Once we were home I finished the cleaning I started earlier that morning and we played with the steam mop. I am embarassed to say that the floors were DISGUSTING!! I am not sure if they were cleaned with anything other then a mop before we moved in. Now don't get me wrong, I mop, but this is the stuff a mop can't get up. OY!!!! Firefighter even partook in the steam mop festivities. Hee hee! I snuck a picture of him using it without his knowledge. He studied a bit and watched football while I did laundry. 

That pretty much sums up the weekend. Dreaded the dawn of Monday morning... hope you all have a good week! 

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Animal Kingdom

So as I mentioned in the previous post, we went to Animal Kingdom last Sunday. I could really give or take Animal Kingdom....I think it's more geared toward children and well, I am childless. But there are plenty of interesting things to look at there and it can be educational. We went on this ride that was like a safari ride...it was so cool! We rode in these jeep like things that were open all over and took a ride through the "serengeti".

 
This ride allowed you to see the animals in their environment and to be close to them... that was so exciting!!! Some of the animals we saw I have never seen before... ever.... And of course there are the normal animals that you see in most zoos...giraffes, elephants, lions...etc. This is one of my favorite pictures that I took that day: 


AWWEEE!!!!! Oh and I can't forget the elephants:



So it was a good time... 

While we were there we noticed that someone was sky writing. It's not common to see that so we stood and watched what the person's message was... they said: Love God, Invite Jesus In. I don't feel one way or the other about this, but it took some serious skill to do that! 

Next up will be the Epcot Food and Wine Festival recap! 

Monday, November 15, 2010

Staycation!

Last week was my vacation! YAY!!! It was so wonderful! The first weekend of the vacation we went to Walt Disney World... I know surprise, surprise!! We have passes, what can I say? It's close and not expensive, since we have the passes and don't have to pay for parking. We generally stay at places where there is transportation provided to the parks. Yippy! Parking is $14.00.... shenanigans! But I digress.... Saturday (11/6) we headed out for Orlando. YAY! We got a decent hotel on hotels.com. 


We hung out in the room until our friends arrived a little later in the day. We had hoped to get to the parks, but the hotel we stayed at didn't offer afternoon transportation to the parks. So we hung out and took a naps... Once our friends got here, they showered and then we went to dinner at Universal Studios City Walk. We went to the NBA restaurant. 




We walked around for a little while, got some Starbucks and then went back to the hotel.  Sunday morning we went to Animal Kingdom first thing and then we hit Epcot and then Magic Kingdom to end the evening. The Magic Kingdom was already decorated for Christmas and it was quite pretty. Animal Kingdom was awesome! We went on this safari like ride and we were mere feet away from the animals...I will post those pics separately. it was AWESOME!!!!





We tied up the day with the electrical parade at Magic Kingdom. The castle lit up and it was beautiful.... 


Epcot was having their annual Food and Wine festival and that was the main point of the trip. We mainly did an overview of the festival on Sunday and went back to Epcot on Monday for the full effect. Well worth the wait. The food was delicious!! There were 28 stands from different countries and they each had their own menu of yummy, scrumptious foods... Can't wait to go back next year.

The rest of the week I hung out at home, cleaned and did laundry. I also managed to squeeze in 2 movies, Morning Glory ( two thumbs way up) and Megamind (meh). It was so hard to go back to work today. Can't wait for my next vacation, which is December 10-13. going to Branson, Missouri with my Uncle, Aunt, mom and her best friend. I have had to get like a whole new wardrobe, but I am SOOOOO excited!!!! 

Ok, that is enough for now... there will be more to follow. 

movie review: Morning Glory

Starring: Rachel McAdams, Harrison Ford, Diane Keaton, Jeff Goldblum

Firefighter and I saw this movie Thursday. He insisted. It was such a cute movie. 

Rachel McAdams did an awesome job as Becky Fuller the over zealous new Executive Producer who was hired to save a dying morning news show, Daybreak.  Harrison Ford plays a seasoned news anchor who begrudgingly joins the show in a attempt to save it and makes McAdams' job a living hell. He is difficult and surly. Diane Keaton is not predominant in the movie, but still has presence. The movie had romance, humor and was a bit inspirational. McAdams is so versatile and gifted, she really has a great screen presence. I found myself rooting for her and her job and her cause. She was believable and likable. 

Overall....it was a great movie, and I would go and see it again! 

On another note, it's been such a long time since I have been at the movies, that I almost forgot what an awesome escape it can be. It was so wonderful to go to the movies and just shut off the cell and shut out life for 2 hours and just be and to laugh.... it was wonderful! 

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

today...

I miss my dad a lot!

This is an older shot of him... but I like this picture.

Hope you are resting peacefully daddy! We miss you!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Goodbye October... HELLO NOVEMBER!!!

I have never been so happy to see a month end. Nothing changes with the coming of November, my father is still gone, but the end of October helps to move things along, and helps us get on with the job of living. And it has become a job. I don't think that I have fully allowed myself to grieve. I really haven't stopped since he passed. I haven't missed much work at all and the weekends have been busy, as usual. It will be nice when things slow down a little, before they immediately pick up again thanks to the holidays.  As I mentioned in my previous post, I am indifferent about the holidays this year. The excitement and anticipation is still there, but it will be full of memories and there will be a hole, a void that can't be filled. 


On a lighter note....

I am on vacation next week....for the ENTIRE week!!! Hopefully I will get a lot of things done. I plan to work on the house and relax as much as I can. I am a procrastinator, so let's hope that I can get it done during the week and not try to squeeze it all in on the weekend before I have to go back to work. We are kicking the week off with a trip to Disney World...yes, AGAIN!!!! The main point of interest is the Epcot International Food and Wine Festival. SO EXCITED! We are getting a hotel room Saturday and Sunday night and another couple is joining us. Should be good times. We can park hop so more then likely we will hit Magic Kingdom and Animal Kingdom as well. I know, I know ..... we go to Disney alot! What do you want, it's convenient! 

All I can hope is that November proves to be a better month and that hopefully will lead to a good December and an even better 2011!!! 


Happy November fellow bloggers!

Friday, October 29, 2010

untitled

there is so much i want to say and at the same breath i feel like i have nothing to say. 

my father is gone and i can't get the feeling that it is a dream to go away. i can't grasp it or understand it. looking at recent pictures makes it harder because he didn't look sick. we all knew he had issues, but it happened so fast.... it wasn't cancer or anything either.... and i am heartbroken for my mother...i wish i could wrap her in my arms and carry her with me everywhere. 

you know death is a part of life and you hear about it happening to other people, but that doesn't always make it real. it's happened to me, i have lost someone and yet the concept escapes me. how can he be gone when he was just here a minute ago? that is the sensation i walk around with all day. 
i can't wait for this month to end. time is dragging and the days seem longer. it doesn't help that the time is getting ready to change. i am indifferent about the coming up holidays as well...how is that going to feel? 

i wish we had had more time.... 

Friday, October 22, 2010

change of plans

So, Firefighter and I went and looked at a house in North Port last Sunday (I will post pics over the weekend). And I am not going to lie, I liked it and could almost see us living there.

However..... I don't think it's the right time right now.  It's too soon.

I can't even begin to imagine being that far from my family right now. It's just not something I would be 100% invested in. Not to mention when I asked Firefighter if he saw us living there, he was like, meh. Well... I am sure as hell not going to move away if his response to that question is meh and I have anxiety about it.

We do seem to have a reprieve though. The house is a foreclosure and there is a moratorium going on right now for foreclosures. SOOOO.... if this house falls into the moratorium and comes out in say 6 or more months, maybe we will feel differently. Who knows.

And believe me no one has wanted to get out of where we live more then me.... but I have to be realistic here. 

I don't like my job enough to commute therefore I would want to find another job down there and then I fear that I would essentially make myself a hermit there and not visit my family. 

it's too soon after dad passed. 

it's not close to my family at all. 

and neither of us was 100% confident that we could see ourselves living there. 

So those reasons make me think that it's best to stay put for a little while longer and just make the best of this crap situation we are in right now. 

ugh.... i hate being an adult sometimes.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Friends vs. Family

I have the hardest time in the world trying to decide whether or not to spend time with friends when my family is also doing things as well. Firefighter doesn't have the same strong family connection to his family that I have with mine. They have never been close. It breaks my heart too, because family is sooo important. 

Firefighter wants to go out and about this Sunday and get our Halloween costumes, but my mom's friend is in town and they are going to Cheesecake Factory, along with my sister. And while part of me feels obligated to go, mainly because of my mother, I don't think I really want to go. Sadly, I do not care for her friend very much at all. 

I seem to run into this moral dilemma quite frequently. Firefighter is closer to his friends then to his family, so I in turn have started spending more time with our friends then my family. And I get teased about it by my family as well. They refer to me as the gypsy or the social butterfly. I laugh it off, but at times it bothers me. I want to spend time with my family but I also want to do things with my friends as well. I have never really been popular or had my presence requested by those outside of my family, so it's nice in a way. But then I feel like I am letting my family down. I hate feeling like I am in this tug of war. 

Generally I try to stick with the rule that whatever event or happening I hear about or am invited to first that is the function I will attend.

OY!! The guilt....  

Is it just me or does anyone else feel that way??? 

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Out of State Relatives

Why is it that we only tend to see those relatives that live out of state at times of extreme joy, i.e. a wedding, or times of extreme sadness, i.e. a death? Having just been through this it really makes me wonder. 

The thought that is crossing my mind is why is it that  out of state family will come and mourn a person's death but not necessarily come and enjoy their life? This to me just shows that in this society we do not put enough emphasis on the people in our lives. Granted I understand that we all get preoccupied with our own lives and happenings, but we should make time for those special people we call family members. In this day and age there are far too many ways to "see" those who live far away without having to leave your own house.

Life is too short to not see your loved ones on a more consistent basis. We need to remember that family is more important then anything! Blood is thicker then water after all...

Family is what makes us who we are...they are what shapes us! 

(C - not directed at you! love and miss you bunches)

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Quotes I like

"All endings are also beginnings." - Mitch Albom

"The hardest part of moving forward, is not looking back." - smilesaregolden-tumblr

"Death ends a life, not a relationship." - Mitch Albom

"Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone, and do not be troubled about the future for it has not yet come. Live in the present and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering." - Ida Scott Taylor

"Laugh as much as you breathe, love as long as live." - Anonymous

Monday, October 11, 2010

surreality

It's been over a week and i still can't quite grasp the fact that my father is no longer with us. I can't fully understand that he has passed away. It is the weirdest kind of reality. It's surreality. I see him and hear him everywhere. 

It's less real when I am not at my parent's house. When I am there, I can hear his voice more distinctly and see him more clearly.  It's freaky to have this visual of him that isn't tangible. At times I feel like I can reach out and touch him, but it's an illusion. When I am at work or home it's a figment of my imagination. It's like an obscure thought that I am having and waiting for it to pass. But then a small dose of reality trickles in and I realize that this isn't something I can wish away.  It's real and it's happening and I am powerless.

I think part of the reason it hasn't sunk in is because we haven't had a funeral or service yet. That will be taking place this Saturday at our church. I think then, maybe, some sort of reality will strike and maybe I will realize that he is really gone.  Today is Monday and I already have knots in my stomach about that day. It's going to be a sad day... a day that I was not prepared for and am still not fully prepared for.


RIP Dad 10/19/44 - 10/01/10

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Dad....

Sadly, my father passed away Friday October 1, 2010 at 8:15 am. 

Needless to say the series of events that led to this was a complete shock. It still feels like he is in the hospital and I can go visit him... so surreal.... 

RIP Papa Bear. I love you and miss you more then words can say!! You will be in my heart forever!! 


Tuesday, September 28, 2010

what is a bandwagon fan?

The Rays have clinched their playoff berth position. YAY!! So exciting!!! Now of course, on Facebook, I have Red Sox and Yankees fans are saying that Rays fans don't have the right to be celebrating because most of us are bandwagon fans and because people aren't going to the games and we are only fans because we have a good record. Well in my opinion anyone who doesn't live in New York or Boston, or wasn't born and raised there can be considered a bandwagon fan. Most of the people on my Facebook that are Yankee or Red Sox fans were born and raised in FLORIDA!! Why would you not support your local MLB team? The answer - it's easier to root for a team that is already established and has a massive fan base, then it is to root for a team that is up and coming. The Tampa Bay Rays franchise has been around for 15 years, they are still growing, and we have a good young team right now. Hopefully we will continue to be successful, what fan doesn't want their team to be successful?!? I just wish that we would be able to keep all of the free agents we have right now (this is another post for another day). It's kind of exciting to watch a team grow and conquer. All we need is to win the World Series and then maybe people will take us seriously. 

In the same breath however, the fans in this area are very fickle. I believe it's because there are a LOT of people who have relocated from the northern states to Florida for retirement. When the Yanks or the Red Sox are in town...LOOK OUT... it's packed at Tropicana Stadium!!! There are more visitor fans in the stands then home fans. And you know, it's sad. It's almost no wonder Evan Longoria and David Price vocalized their frustrations about the lack of attendance at recent games. I for one do not blame them. Why aren't they getting more support??? 

To be honest, I have become more of a Rays fan in the last 3 years, because Firefighter is getting more involved in watching the games and explaining it to me. It has become a great way for us to bond. I was born and raised in Florida, in the pseduo Tampa Bay area. The Rays are my local MLB baseball team, so therefore I support them. Granted, I do not go to a lot of the games...funds are tight, but that doesn't make me less of a fan. I love that we are rooting for the Rays together. He is teaching me about baseball and explaining to me the progression of baseball teams. It's bonded us!!! (awe...*tear*) 


So for those of you who are baseball or football or any sports fans, how do you define a bandwagon fan?

Monday, September 27, 2010

weekend in review

I can't believe that it is already Monday...again! And it's almost the end of September...OY! Where does the time go... But I digress... 

Nothing special happened Friday night. Firefighter, Roommate and I made a trip to Sam's. Firefighter went out and I stayed home and just chilled. It was much needed. 

This weekend I had to great opportunity to spend some bonding time with my mom! On Saturday we went to her eye appointment and picked out new glasses and then we went to Target for some supplies. (I managed to leave spending UNDER $50, a rarity for me!)  Then I helped her set up her fantasy football lineup...if she wins, I want full credit, if she loses, I was never there! 

Then I went up to the hospital to visit my dad, yes he is still there.... Hopefully he will be discharged and sent to the rehab facility soon! He is getting antsy. He has been there 3 weeks today. OY! I think this is one of his longest stints in the actual hospital, at least that I can remember. 

After the hospital, Firefighter and I made our way down to North Port to hang with some friends and scope a potential house. When we arrived it was too dark to really see the inside, but we got a good idea on the outside, and it was enough to make us want to walk inside. So I contacted Realtor and she will set it up. However since this house is a foreclosure, there isn't much that has been disclosed, so I do NOT know if it has the dreaded Chinese drywall. I am praying not. Afterward we met up with some friends who live there and watched the UFC fights. Not my thing, but we had a good time nonetheless. 

Sunday Firefighter and I went shopping again for sandals for him. Boy when he is fixated on something and wants it there is no stopping him! Thank goodness he finally found a pair or I think I would have screamed. We stopped by Best Buy to see a friend that was working and then we went home and watched the original "Wall Street" to prepare for the sequel. (Yes we do do that!) I could barely keep my eyes open and found it confusing. Later we went to Engineer's house and had dinner and watched the new HBO series "Boardwalk Empire". Note to HBO exec Steve Buscemi should NEVER EVER do sex scenes... EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Ewwww.... And again I feel asleep. Nothing seems to be holding my interest lately. 

So now it's Monday and I am back to the grind... I hope this week goes slow, but fast. Another busy weekend lies ahead. Will it ever stop?!?!? 

Hope you all had a great weekend.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

i hate money

I don't know what to do. 

I want out of this house. 

We can afford it but there is the possibility that we would be living paycheck to paycheck. Firefighter thinks we should wait until he gets a job. Well how much longer is that gonna be!??! He hasn't even started volunteering yet. 

I am tired of thinking about this and wish that I could just make a decision. Either we are gonna stay here or go. If we stay here I am still gonna be miserable. I am also tired of always talking about this, as I am sure you are tired of reading it. 

I just want to cry. 

Friday, September 17, 2010

silver lining

I wish that I was able to write a more positive post, but this week's events have been anything but positive. It has been an emotional roller coaster full of tears and heartbreak. And to say that this week dragged, is an understatement. It crept along at a tortoise pace or a snails pace, whichever is slowest. I am ridiculously happy that it is finally Friday.

I mentioned in a previous post that we found out that my father had to lose his left leg. We knew it was coming for a while, but it still stung when the new was actually broken to us. We had a date set for it to take place Tuesday, Sept. 21. However, due to a series of events it was moved up to this passed Wednesday. 

I spent the night at my parent's house Tuesday night to be with my mother, who is taking this very, very hard. Neither of us really slept that night. Which, is a first for me. Over the last 7 years dad has been in the hospital more times then I can count on one hand. Each time he has surgery I get nervous, and only after I find out that he has made it through can I breathe a sigh of relief. Since he had escalated health issues on this particular trip, I was increasingly concerned. But, as always, he pulled through.

I have to give him credit, given the hand he has been recently dealt he is in great spirits. I wonder if it's a front at times, but if it is, he is very convincing.  His attitude and ability to joke about basically everything is infectious. I feel better because I know that he is good with what is going on. Not his preference naturally, but he has accepted it. He has come to terms with it and that has made it easier for me to grasp. Granted, a lot of the obstacles we have faced over the last 7 years have been caused by him and things he did in his past, but you can't go back and undo them. You have to deal with the hand you get dealt.

The silver lining in this situation is that he will not be in any more pain. He was in such a great amount of pain that for the last month or better he hardly left the house.  That is no way to live. Also, the doctors are pretty confident that we may have taken care of the problem now and that we shouldn't have any more of these flare ups anytime soon. Comforting... but I will remain a little cynical I am sure. After all that we have been through with dad, it's hard to trust a doctor's word anymore. 

I can't help however, to feel guilty at times. If I let myself think about it, as I tend to do with things, I can't help but think that each step I take, is a step he won't be able to take. I have legs, and he doesn't. It isn't fair. I am so much more aware of things that I can do, that he can no longer do. I know there are prosthetics out there, and God willing we can get him a good pair. 

I am selfish. I want him to get better so he can walk, so he can drive... I want him to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. 

Sorry for the depressing post. I must say that at times it's nice to just be able to put things out there to the world for strangers to read. It's very freeing! 

Saturday, September 11, 2010

remakes

I am not always a fan of remakes, be it a song or a movie. However, I am particularly not fond of people doing remakes too close together. My main issue right now is "Don't Stop Believin". The cast of Glee did it for their show not that long ago, maybe last year, and it's really great, I quite enjoy it, though I have never seen the show. Now there is some guy names George Lamond that has also remade the song...seriously?? Couldn't he have found another song to remake?? Journey's music is classic and while he didn't totally slaughter it, he didn't do it any justice. 

Just a thought...

My rant for the day!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

too trusting

I am a trusting soul. it never fails. if i know a person and they introduce me to someone i automatically trust the new person by association. could this be a bad thing for me in the long run? yes! i could be that one person they decide to screw over and that would not be cool at all. I haven't been screwed over as of yet, but with the house thing looming it makes me very aware of this trait that I have and that I need to be aware of it and the possible ramifications. In situations like this its best to be weary and not TOO trusting. Does it come from being too naive and gullible? Perhaps! I just tend to believe the best of people. Which, in long run can only hurt me since there are so many people out there determined to screw you over.

decisions decisions

Firefighter and I went down to North Port a few weeks ago and looked at a house, and I use the term looked loosely. We pulled up to the house, parked in the driveway and walked around the house. We got a nice look inside, from the porch. It's a very nice house. It's a large house. There is no one in the back, on either side, or directly across the street from the house, except for the mailbox, which is weird, Anyway - the house is 4 bedroom (a requirement for Firefighter), a DISHWASHER, 2 bathroom and is approximately 2500 square feet with a 2 car garage and is ONLY $89,900... Nice house right?!!? Even nicer price!!!! Well there is a hitch. It has the Chinese drywall. NOT GOOD!!!  From Wikipedia : 

The 2009 Chinese drywall controversy is a health and safety issue involving defective drywall manufactured in China and imported by the United States starting in 2001. Laboratory tests of samples for volatile chemicals have identified emissions of the sulfurous gases carbon disulfidecarbonyl sulfide, and hydrogen sulfide. These emissions, which have the odor of rotten eggs, worsen as temperature and humidity rise and cause copper surfaces to turn black and powdery, a chemical process indicative of reaction with hydrogen sulfide. Copper pipes, wiring, and air conditioner coils are affected, as well as silver jewelry. Homeowners have reported respiratory tract infectionssinus problems and nosebleeds.

Having said that, the amount of work will be extensive. We would have to remove the drywall, plumbing and electrical... So basically EVERYTHING!!!! Not only would it be additional money, but contractors would be involved and all that... I am nervous about finding people that I can trust to work on a house. People get screwed by contractors all the time. 

Needless to say, I am hesitant. I am nervous! Why shouldn't I be?!?! It's an undertaking! I am nervous about the financial situation, I am nervous about taking on the huge responsibility of owing my own house... just thinking about that scares me and I begin to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I have been the driving force to get out of the house we are in and now I am the one pulling back. I guess I would be more confident if Firefighter was the driving force. It would make me more confident. I know that he is now on board, but he wasn't for a while and I just hope that we are making a wise decision, whatever house we get. Then there is the job factor to take into consideration. We would be living 30-45 mins away from where we work. If I liked my job that wouldn't be an issue. We LIVE in where we live now... and before we would move there are a lot of things to take into consideration. ALL of our friends are basically located here, my family is here, life is basically here... is it wise to reside where you do not necessarily LIVE?!? OY!!!! This is something I can't seem to get off my mind. It's driving me crazy. I feel like there are a lot of things that we would have to sacrifice and I just want to make sure the reward is worth the sacrifice.  And I have a feeling I may need to get a new car soon.... OY! It never ends... And I think deep down I am pulling back on this because I know Firefighter wanted to wait until he got a job job, but I think he know gets that we have to get out of the house his parents are "renting" to us. 

We still don't even know that we could afford this house. HA HA!!!!! My dad has a contractor already lined up to give me an estimate... I was like slow down papa.... moving a little too fast, let's see if we can afford the house, and get into the house and then we will go from there. 

This isn't the only house out there, but it seems to be most of the things that we want. How do you not take it into consideration?? 

There is just SO much to think about! In the same breath, I get excited thinking about the life we could create down there and the home we could create together and that almost makes it all feel worth it. 

I know I haven't exactly been the queen of positivity and fun things on here lately, but sometimes unleashing on here and getting all my thoughts out help me to think more clearly. 

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Too much TV soooo little time

There are too many tv shows out there that i want to watch to keep track of. I would love to be able to actually watch and follow most of the following shows. 


Grey's Anatomy - I actually watch this show on a weekly basis and I am very faithful.


Brother's and Sister's - I was doing good with this show and then lost track.

Mad Men - Firefighter and I just started watching this show. So far so good.


Guiliana and bill - One of the ONLY reality shows that I will watch. I love this couple.  


Army Wives - This is one of the I want to watch shows. 


Friday Night Lights - I have seen the first season, but not the second. I need to catch up.


The Starter Wife - I read this book and I like Debra Messing. 


How I Met Your Mother - I was told that this show is awesome and that I should watch it.
Firefighter and I are going to start watching it soon I help. 


30 Rock - this is another show that has been referred to us. I hope that we get a chance to watch it too. 


Big Love - another recommendation.... how do people have this much time to watch tv????



And then there is the Glee phenomenon that I need to catch up on as well. 

Oh.... so many things to watch!!! So little time... 

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

and another thing...

I have decided to go on a purge....   

I am slowly going to go through the house and get rid of anything that firefighter and I didn't purchase ourselves or that we didn't personally accept as a hand me down. We have SOOO much crap from his grandmother's house that we brought with us when we lived there in addition to the crap that was left in the house we are currently in. There is no attic space because of the items in there that belong to his family as well. We have hand me down curtains, hand me down dishes, glasses and furniture. It needs to GO!!!! Our house is far too small for us to store crap that we do not want and or need. 

Just an after though....

Oh and I have decided to change the theme of my kitchen to Sunflowers. They so make me happy and remind me of Italy.  


How can they not make you smile?!?!




on the brain

I have lots on my mind so I am going to attempt to cover them all at once: 
  • I want a house. I have made no secret of this. But am I so desperate to get out of where we live now that I will settle for any house?? Then I think about OWNING a house and I tend to get a panic attack, or at least a panicked feeling. Are we ready? Do we have enough money? Can I take care this house? What happens if something breaks? And the fact that most of the houses that I can afford are 30 mins south of EVERYTHING I know scares me. Is the job worth the drive in the traffic EVERY DAY?? Do I really want to be that far from my family? From my friends? This is consuming my thoughts all day everyday. 
  • My dad lost his right leg in July 2008. Not from diabetes, but from multiple infections. His left leg had a total knee replacement multiple times and was subjected to the same infections. The doctors have really tried to save the leg, but it looks like he is going to have to lose that leg as well. Deep down I think everyone in the family saw it coming. While no sane person wants to lose a limb, I think my father is a bit relieved. He won't be in any more pain. He hasn't been feeling up to going out and about with mom. He hasn't even been asking her to take him for a ride. That right there is a huge indication that he is in a lot of pain. This is affecting the whole family. My mother is having a hard time imagining that he will look like after the surgery and what physical limitations he will now face. It's a trying time. But my father has a great sense of humor. He is already referring to himself as Double Stump and referring to his stumps as his guns! LOL! You have to laugh.... if he has accepted it, then we need to. Selfishly, though, I have always dreamed that he would walk me down the aisle. And I know that there are prosthetics, so I am hopeful that things will work in our favor for once and he will be able to escort my down the aisle.
  • Firefighter hasn't officially started volunteering yet. It's quite a process to get to the actual volunteering. He has been poked and prodded and determined to be healthy so he is good to go now. And of course he thinks he is just King Shit... whatever! He explained to me that there are three tiers of volunteers: Those who do a bare minimum, something in the middle , and then there are those who do the maximum which is what he plans on doing. As long as it doesn't affect his work and we can still pay rent then we are cool. He is excited and I wish he could get started already. There are so many things that we have on hold waiting and waiting for him to get a schedule. I need a vacation and we are waiting for him to figure out when we can go. On top of volunteering he is going to have to take "classes" to learn our counties rules and procedures, etc. That is going to be a three day a week event.
  • I need a vacation DESPERATELY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hopefully sometime in October Firefighter and I will be able to get to Epcot for the Food and Wine Festival. Should be a lot of fun!!! And then maybe we could hit up Disney at night time for the Fireworks. Ho hum.... here's to dreaming! 
  • Should be getting some money from my car accident last December. I need to call the attorney's office again and see what they have to say. Not looking at much, maybe $3k... MAYBE!!!!
  • Oh and Firefighter is bowling again. So on top of volunteering and working he will be bowling in TWO leagues...Monday nights and Thursday nights. 
  • I rejoined a gym, YAY!!! Hopefully that will be the catalyst I need to lose the rest of my weight. I am dangerously close to 50 lbs. and then I would only have 10 more to go, and honestly I don't know where it's going to come from!! HA HA!!
  • Family fantasy football league draft is this Sunday and I need to get prepared.  I would really like to win one year!
So that is what is going through the brain right now.